Tag: relationships

Anon Asks

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Hi! I have a question regarding bipolar disorder.
My partner has been diagnosed with depression for years now but the antidepressants don’t really help them, and recently I’ve mentioned that it might be bipolar disorder. They mentioned that they did have an older relative who did have bipolar so there is that familial connection there. So now they think they have bipolar as well but hasn’t gone in to get it diagnosed yet. Their depressive states are usually pretty bad though (what I think would be considered their more manic state isn’t really that what I guess is stereotypical hypomania and all? They just seems a lot happier and more productive and all). It just seems like bipolar bc of the sudden changes tho imo, because they’ll be fine for a few days then fall into a depression slum for weeks. I guess I really want to ask if there’s something that is helpful that I can do when they’re depressed? I do my best to be supportive and help however I can but sometimes their actions have me scared and worried and I just wasn’t sure if you had any advice?

I really hope you have a nice day too btw!

Hi anon!

The tricky thing with mental health, as you’ve experienced, is that there is very little you can do without a diagnosis.

And depression can come from a number of different sources, with bipolar being just one. The important thing is to focus on the management of symptoms. So let’s put the idea of it being bipolarity aside and instead focus on the effectiveness of their current management.

Without knowing them, and just going on what you have described, it sounds like this could be unipolar depression.

I say this because with bipolarity, the problem with antidepressants is that they work a little too well. They send people off into hypomanic or manic episodes. With unipolar depression, the episodes can happen suddenly and without cause – one day you wake up and just everything is flat and flavourless, sometimes for months.

To get to the bottom of it, your partner needs professional medical assistance. If their meds aren’t working well, it could be due to a range of factors. Talking very generally (I’m not a doctor, after all) some meds work by building up a certain level of chemicals in the brain by blocking their reabsorbtion, other by slowing their production. These ones take time to deliver results. Other meds, people can build up a resistance to them over time, so the dosage needs changing, or a prescription needs altering. If their depression has a base in experience and/or circumstances, then there is a chance that talking therapies and CBT or mindfulness exercises may be useful in giving them a degree of control. Again, medical professionals need to do the heavy lifting on this to figure out the best way forward.

Now the big question – what can you do about it?

Nothing.

Not directly. When it comes to a partner’s mental health, you’re firmly in the passenger seat. Riding shotgun. You’re along for the ride, but you’re not in control.

This isn’t always easy to keep in mind, but the fact is that it’s not your mind. There is no way that you can experience what they are experiencing, and very little that you can do to influence it.

With mental health, Rule #1 is to always look after number one. And that applies to you too.

The best thing you can do is to be your best self. Like you would in any relationship. Perhaps the most helpful suggestion I have is to avoid the logic-trap of “well I did these things so I helped and now you are better … wait why aren’t you better?” I have seen this in action, and it destroys marriages, jobs, relationships of all kinds.

Trust in Rule #1.

Do what you can, when you can. Place no expectations on them and keep none on yourself. Provide support where it’s needed and welcomed. Hold space when they (or you!) needs distance.

What form these actions take is up to you two – you need to work out what it looks like together.

I hope this helps!

Reasons You Should Date Me

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

When I am depressed:

  • we can catch up on all the TV shows

  • comfortable clothing is IN

  • also blankets

  • and naps

  • and pizza

  • and delicious coffee that makes your heart move

  • black humor that will leave you chuckling

  • reading YA and avoiding social media

  • music 24/7

When I am hypomanic:

  • I will make things happen

  • all of the things (hiking??)

  • affection like you read about

  • I will build your confidence like it’s my business

  • much sex (waaaaay much)

  • again with the coffee

  • and the music

  • and black humour

  • and also really bad dancing (I hope you like karate moves?)

When I am neither up nor down:

  • I’m just a regular person like you

  • except sometimes my moods don’t match my circumstances

  • I am well aware of this 

  • I research and practice healthy coping mechanisms

  • actually the black humour is just me I guess?

  • you are not responsible for my wellbeing

  • I will not ask you to be responsible for my wellbeing

  • If you are okay with me putting my mental health first we will have a great time

+++++

[shirt]

It ain’t about you.

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

There is one key element I’ve seen that helps relationships last when one of you has a mental illness.

It’s the same thing that helps keep neuro-normal partners together as well.

(Neruo-normal is such a fun word to say!)

It’s called understanding.

With bipolarity and cyclothymia, my episodes and depressions are rarely, if ever, about my partner. They may be involved due to circumstance, location or because they’re the only person in shouting distance/who is willing to give me a hug. But this interaction is not entirely triggered by, nor aimed entirely at, them.

This interaction, whatever it is, is more about chemicals and neural path ways in my brain lining up a certain way.

It’s me reacting to unseen stimuli.

A partner who understands this doesn’t take it personally when I cancel romantic dates last minutes because “mental health”. Or when I drink too much and try to fight their friend who keeps hugging me because he’s “too friendly” and is “ruining my vibe”.

Sorry about that.

But yeah. The key to a lasting relationship is understanding.

Taking the ego out of the equation and looking deeper at the root cause of my sometimes-painful-but-mostly-weird behaviour.

People who do that for each other are magic. And if a person is willing to do support their mental-illness-bearing partner, to look deeper and understand the mechanics – then they get to be the most magical thing of all.

They might get the chance to be a reason for someone’s recovery.

+++++

[shirt]

Riding Shotgun

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

So, your partner has Bipolar?

Welcome to a pretty exclusive club. Here are the rules.

Okay, not rules.

Guidelines.

Suggestions.

They’re
not complete. Everyone has their own stuff. And yeah, they don’t just
apply to bipolaroids. You can use them with other people as well.

This is not a trade. There are no guarantees. Providing
your bipolar partner with love and attention does not mean you will
contractually receive happy, lovey, flirty interactions. This is a relationship – and you are not owed anything. Hell,
if that’s you’re view of relationships, then I pity you. Instead, try
focusing on the joy you find in the loving acts you provide, and give
what you can because you want to.

Your presence is not always the beacon of light and joy you want it to be. Sometimes stuff just sucks. And guess what, buddy? You’re stuff. And your stuff-ness is out of your control. It’s not you . It’s just that you’re part of the space-time continuum.

You are not a mind reader.  Please don’t expect yourself to be one. Bipolaroids often find it hard to communicate. Up, down, recovering – it doesn’t matter. Sometimes we struggle. Don’t view our inability to interact as a personal attack. Instead,
think of it more like a bad Skype connection. The picture is there, and
we want to talk. It’s just that the data gets garbled.

You will not have the right answers. When a bipolaroid is up or down, our reality is light years away from yours. Offering advice to your bipolar partner feels like you are pointing out this gap. It
doesn’t matter what the advice is about – we feel angry, sad,
embarrassed or frustrated at this sudden sense of distance. One way
forward is to ask yourself what the best possible outcome is likely to
be from your interaction. If the outcome is positive – and the inclusion
of shouting and/or tears doesn’t diminish the result – then by all
means suggest away.

Being bipolar takes from us constantly. It demands time, patience, energy. In some cases, medical attention and time in bed. We are sorry for being so demanding. We hate it as much as you do. But we appreciate everything you give, when we can appreciate things. Picture this – you are enough for someone who frequently experiences highs that can topple mountains. You are awesome!

And finally, we can’t meet your expectations. They’re
in your head. That’s inaccessible to anyone short of a psychotherapist.
And besides, our heads don’t have space for them. They’re too full dealing with our own reality. Which you are a major part of. Instead, just get rid of them, and enjoy the fact that we want you on board with us. And we’ll do the same for you.

+++++

[shirt]

KDR

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

There’s a popular building package where I grew up called the Knock Down and Rebuild. Basically you just pay some dude with a bulldozer or whatever to smash up your house, then build a new one.

Sounds like fun, yes?

When I had my last real episode, I knew this was something I had to do – I had to smash the habits that had lead to my breakdown, and bolt together something better in its place.

BULLDOZE BAD HABITS – be it work, relationships, substances, staying up late at night watching Netflix. If something is causing you stress, stealing your sleep or in other ways damaging your cool, then walk away. Smash that habit and never look back.

BUILD A SUPPORT NETWORK – maybe tell family, friends and mental health professionals what’s going on. They can’t shoulder the burden for you, true, but just telling them what’s happening means you are taking responsibility. And that’s some powerful stuff.

THERE WILL BE COLLATERAL – there are gonna be times when you slip. This is expected – you can’t be ready all the time. But by telling your support peeps, they will be ready, and can sometimes help you rebuild things.