The Fallback Plan

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

So I started a job that was a little ambitious.

It required time, dedication, focus, direction and consistency. All things that my mental illness likes to fuck with.

On starting the role, I had the thought: “well, if this doesn’t work out, what’s my option b?”

As I write this, I’m no longer in that role.

And when it ended, my brain went: “guess what? you need that option b.”

I didn’t have one.

And so the black dog reared its head. And as it loped forward I saw the option it presented in its eyes.

Emptiness. The unending dark.

And it looked good.

I have seen the signs and I am taking action.

It’s time to see a medical professional. Again.

High Doesn’t Mean Fun

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

This is a post to remind you and me that hypomania ain’t always a good time.

In the space of two weeks I have racked up over $500 in traffic fines, bought there pairs of headphones, yelled at everyone I love, and have come seconds away from being unemployed.

All because things weren’t moving fast enough for my brain.

I’m lucky enough to be in a position where these (stupid, shortsighted) impulses will not affect me in the long term. But it’s a reminder.

It’s time to slow down.

Relationships

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Managing relationships is hard.

As an adult, as someone experienced with relationships, I’d like to think I know what I’m doing.

But there’s always a curve ball.

And sometimes, you just run out of luck. And a relationship you felt connected to – that you depended on – ends.

So what do you do when a relationship dissolves?

First, look after you.

There’s gonna be the five or seven stages of grief or whatever. And then there’s all the jealousy and upsets over things not done.

The missed opportunities, the things left unsaid.

Well, you take all that crap, and you shovel on some mental health issues over the top and what do you get?

A potentially Very Bad Time.

Which is why you’ve got to get yourself good.

And I don’t mean rushing things. No jumping back into dating or hitting on strangers or indulging in stuff you know is unhelpful or burning their effigy or whatever.

I mean the basics.

Eat good food. Do a damn workout. Sleep as much as you need. Make sure your body is looked after.

Then move up a step. Tell the people who need to know. Inform your safety net. Keep people in the loop. So if you do end up going sideways, you’ve got support.

Then and only then can you get to work on NOT ACTING OUT YOUR REVENGE FANTASIES BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS SUPER ILLEGAL

Anger

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

There are times when life throws everything you need at your feet.

Birds sing your praises. The sun warms your back, and a gentle breeze keeps you cool under the toughest circumstances.

Then sometimes life throws you a shit sandwich.

Neurotypical people get these days as well, of course.

Shit luck and unfortunate circumstances aren’t unique to those of us with mental illnesses.

But what makes it so damnably difficult to get over these pieces is this sense of unfairness.

The sense of HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.

I’m already tired.

I’ve been managing my reactions.

Not upsetting myself or those around me.

And now THIS?

Whatever “this” is, it’s not your fault.

Your anger at “this” is reasonable. Especially given the work you’ve already done looking after yourself.

Be kind. Swear a little. Maybe punch a balloon or something.

It’s Been A While

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Like all relationships, my interactions with my mental health have their ups and downs.

Sometimes we don’t talk to each other for months and then we get back together and it’s like my illness never left.

Sometimes it never leaves, and I never speak.

That’s what’s been happening for the past few months.

I crashed. Not hard. I mean, not harder than I’ve crashed before, but I crashed nonetheless. And instead of trying to force myself up, I’ve stayed down.

Eating the same food. watching the same shows. Seeing the same people.

It’s been a while since I did anything or felt useful.

But this time, I’ve taken it slow.

It feels like I’ve wasted months of my life.

But it’s all still here, waiting.

Low Energy

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

There’s no feeling weirder to me than the blanket of lethargy.

This facet of depression shines oddly because it’s not painful. I’m not sad or hurting or completely numb.

I’m just unable to do things. For days or weeks at a time.

There’s this blanket in my skull that sits between effort and reward. So I still like things, but passively. Music and videos are fine, because I can consume them without effort. But anything that requires action – even reading or drawing or making food or washing – is hard uncomfortable and and unrewarding.

It’s too comfortable.

And that’s why it sucks.

I have responsibilities. To myself, to others.

I am trying to stay fit and healthy, but my muscle mass has dropped. I can see the changes in my face and body.  There’s less strength in my movements.
I’m less hungry. I just want to sleep.

All I can do is rest. But rest isn’t enough.

I can’t keep lying here.

What would you tell someone to do if they thought that they had bipolar disorder?

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

What would you tell someone to do if they thought that they had bipolar disorder? Like what are the symptoms that prove this? I’m sorry if I sound so misinformed but I’m worried about a friend of mine and wanting to help them out. I’m confused about the whole bipolar disorder deal with manic episodes. ANY information or sources or basically anything would be very, very appreciated. Thanks! 🙂

Hi anon!

Caveats!

  • I’m not a doctor
  • content is based on experiences
  • quality of life is #1

The killer puppies over at Black Dog Institute have a super-handy PDF on the bipolar experience.
It’s not enough to actually diagnose someone, but it does help put
someones actions into a box you can label as “bipolar-like behaviours”.

Check it out, and if you have any questions, come hit me up.

In most cases I’ve come across, people with bipolarity get it diagnosed after a high or low phase that leaves them wondering if their experiences are normal.

This could be spending way too much money on international travel when you don’t have a job, or lying in bed drinking cheap booze from the bottle for months (while you don’t have a job).

Depression is easier to understand than hypomania. Depression is pain. The absence of emotional comfort or joy. It’s like living in a vacuum. No one enjoys it, so they are more likely to seek help

But hypomania can be like anti-depression. It can be like being high AF on LIFE ITSELF. Every choice you make is golden. In contrast to depression, you feel better than great. How could you possibly be sick?

But there’s another step here.

The first thing to note is “do you need to take action?”

Is your friend a danger to themselves? Does their behaviour endanger others? If so, then being pro-active may be a good option. You may not be popular for doing it though.

How to broach it? That’s a tough one. You could direct them to this blog, see if any of the experiences here ring a bell. OR you could pass them that PDF. Or you could sit down and be like “your behaviour is scaring me” and list out actual occurrences along with a commitment to help them out, should they wishto seek help.

I hope this is useful to you!

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Suffering Is Not A Contest

Since starting this little blog thing, there’s one phrase I keep hearing and reading that really gets me riled.

“I don’t think I’m sick enough to get help”.

Just… no.

I mean I get it. There’s this fear that even by contemplating going to a medical professional you’ll be labelled as potentially mentally ill.

But frankly, that’s dumb.

First up, you need to know.

You need to know what you have in order to manage it. And if you’re not actually mentally unwell, guess what? You’re not wasting anybody’s time. You, or your insurance, or you government, are paying a dedicated professional to assess you and give you an unbiased, objective opinion.

You’re not wasting their time or your money. They do this for a living. And you need to know.

Secondly, there’s no universal constant.

It’s not like there’s this grand unwritten measure that says “YOU MUST BE THIS ILL TO RESEARCH STUFF AND LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND CONSIDER GETTING HELP.”

This isn’t a competition. Bipolarity is a medical condition. There’s no medals here.

Rule #1 – look after #1.

Comparing your experience to those of others like it’s a grade system is just unhelpful. The only comparisons that make sense are you today versus you yesterday.

If you’re suffering, do whatever you can to find out what you need to know. Don’t hurt others and don’t hurt yourself. Stick to that mantra and you’ll be golden.

Heeey!! I rarely get the euphoria feeling in a manic episode.

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Heeey!! I rarely get the euphoria feeling in a manic episode , like the great fantastic everything is perfect part of it. I just feel like everything is buzzing and going very fast but I’m irritated and angry and lash out at people. Does anyone else get this too?

Hi anon!

You are most definitely 100% not alone!

Some people get pure highs full of energy and excitement. Others get excessively turned on, and yet others experience paranoia, a sense of impending crisis, irrational anger, or irritability.


These are normal experiences in the bipolar spectrum.

One theory on bipolarity is that it has to do with parts of the brain involving sleep, fight-or-flight mechanisms, and mood. I’m not a doctor, but I think this may be why all these elements can be involved in the bipolar experience.

It might also explain how you can also have mixed states where you get elements of both high and low states in the same episode.

They’re not always fun, but they are normal!