Tag: recovery

Normal Operating Procedures

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Here’s the one big poopy thing about depression.

It stops normal operations.

  • You know you can do things. You’ve done them in the past.
  • You know you will do things. It’s built into you, and you will do them in the future.
  • You know you want to do things now. But you just don’t have the juice.

Depression overrides the normal operating procedures.

The condition (and it is a condition – it’s happening to you) resets the bar for getting things done.

And not just physical activities. Mental, personal and emotional activities.

How can you get through this stage?

Flip the script.

  1. Before, you wanted to be okay, but you still feel awful.
  2. After, you’ll be okay, but for now you goveyourself permission to feel poopy.

Does this make sense?

Let’s run through some more.

  1. Before, you know that doing something (anything!) would make you feel better, but you don’t know how to start
  2. After, you accept there’s not much “start”, so the idea of doing – while nice – is put aside for later.

Get it?

  1. You feel unloved. People do love you. You can’t feel it.
  2. That’s okay. Give yourself permission to feel that.
  1. You try to get well, but feel like your doomed to fail.
  2. That’s okay. Give yourself permission to feel that too.

By giving permission for these feeling to exist, you take control of what’s normal for you.

And there’s power in that.

Even if all you do with that power is give yourself permission to get better while covered in blankets. That is also okay. It is your choice how to operate until conditions improve.

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[shirt]

Sparing some change

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There are times when I want to be different. When I’m dissatisfied with my life, with who I am and what I do.

It could be work, friends, or an attitude towards something. Whatever. The point is the while I feel dissatisfied with it, I may also feel like I’m unable to change. Like my depression keeps me stuck in place like tar. Depressing, sucky tar. 

But there’s one thing I’m not able to see, right there and then. I want to change.

That already makes me different from before. As soon as I realise that, as soon as if makes it’s way into my conscious mind, I am able to act.

Because then I realise the truth oft situation – I can’t control everything that happens, but I do controls my reactions. And I’m the only thing stopping me from making my situation better I just have to choose to act. 

Not A Real Doctor

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A friend is suffering through a bad bout of depression. And something hits me – I’ve never really experienced it from this side before and I’m a really shit therapist.

I’m trying to remain present, and fix what I can, but:

  • Every cool or interesting thing I show them gets shot down
  • Offers of food/drinks get criticised
  • Every conversation turns to how shit their life is

And you know what? I got resentful.

Like, how dare they demean me like that? Why can’t they see how excellent they are? And can’t they see how their baggage is bringing me down too?

NO. STOP IT.

I haven’t been able to see the water I’m swimming in. Individually, people can be nice and kind and generous and wonderful. Collectively, we’re as thick as wooden planks. Society says to focus on the me, making me better – and so I focus on it to the exclusion of other people’s plights.

Well, I call bullshit. I can see from my time with this person that it’s really, stupidly hard to help people with depression, simply by the given nature of the disease.

They can’t accept help, can’t ask for it, can’t get out of bed in the morning. I have written about all this before, and I thought I understood it thoroughly. But now I have a massive appreciation for everyone who has ever lent me an ear when I’m venting, or traveled with me to the doctors because I’m too unstable to drive.

And I can see now that there’s so much more room for me to improve. Management isn’t about having a destination – I will never be “cured” – it’s about building myself up day by day to be better. I know this – but it applies to everyone else as well. And I think I lost sight of that somewhere along the way.

So thank you, traveling partner. Thank you for showing me that I don’t have all the answers, that I could stand to be more sympathetic and understanding. And for understanding why I slipped up.

I’m not a doctor, not even at all.

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