Hi! I have a question regarding bipolar disorder.
My partner has been diagnosed with depression for years now but the antidepressants don’t really help them, and recently I’ve mentioned that it might be bipolar disorder. They mentioned that they did have an older relative who did have bipolar so there is that familial connection there. So now they think they have bipolar as well but hasn’t gone in to get it diagnosed yet. Their depressive states are usually pretty bad though (what I think would be considered their more manic state isn’t really that what I guess is stereotypical hypomania and all? They just seems a lot happier and more productive and all). It just seems like bipolar bc of the sudden changes tho imo, because they’ll be fine for a few days then fall into a depression slum for weeks. I guess I really want to ask if there’s something that is helpful that I can do when they’re depressed? I do my best to be supportive and help however I can but sometimes their actions have me scared and worried and I just wasn’t sure if you had any advice?I really hope you have a nice day too btw!
Hi anon!
The tricky thing with mental health, as you’ve experienced, is that there is very little you can do without a diagnosis.
And depression can come from a number of different sources, with bipolar being just one. The important thing is to focus on the management of symptoms. So let’s put the idea of it being bipolarity aside and instead focus on the effectiveness of their current management.
Without knowing them, and just going on what you have described, it sounds like this could be unipolar depression.
I say this because with bipolarity, the problem with antidepressants is that they work a little too well. They send people off into hypomanic or manic episodes. With unipolar depression, the episodes can happen suddenly and without cause – one day you wake up and just everything is flat and flavourless, sometimes for months.
To get to the bottom of it, your partner needs professional medical assistance. If their meds aren’t working well, it could be due to a range of factors. Talking very generally (I’m not a doctor, after all) some meds work by building up a certain level of chemicals in the brain by blocking their reabsorbtion, other by slowing their production. These ones take time to deliver results. Other meds, people can build up a resistance to them over time, so the dosage needs changing, or a prescription needs altering. If their depression has a base in experience and/or circumstances, then there is a chance that talking therapies and CBT or mindfulness exercises may be useful in giving them a degree of control. Again, medical professionals need to do the heavy lifting on this to figure out the best way forward.
Now the big question – what can you do about it?
Nothing.
Not directly. When it comes to a partner’s mental health, you’re firmly in the passenger seat. Riding shotgun. You’re along for the ride, but you’re not in control.
This isn’t always easy to keep in mind, but the fact is that it’s not your mind. There is no way that you can experience what they are experiencing, and very little that you can do to influence it.
With mental health, Rule #1 is to always look after number one. And that applies to you too.
The best thing you can do is to be your best self. Like you would in any relationship. Perhaps the most helpful suggestion I have is to avoid the logic-trap of “well I did these things so I helped and now you are better … wait why aren’t you better?” I have seen this in action, and it destroys marriages, jobs, relationships of all kinds.
Trust in Rule #1.
Do what you can, when you can. Place no expectations on them and keep none on yourself. Provide support where it’s needed and welcomed. Hold space when they (or you!) needs distance.
What form these actions take is up to you two – you need to work out what it looks like together.
I hope this helps!