Tag: Mindfulness

Ripples on a lake

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There is an amazing sense of peace underwater. The silence, the feel of coolness and depth. It makes for an amazing break with the world above.

It also forms the basis of one of my favourite calming thoughts.

I’m sitting at the bottom of a lake or stream. It is cool and quiet all around me. The rest of the world is reflected as waves and ripples on the surface above. Constant movement – sometimes fast and frantic as in a storm, other times it’s smooth and tranquil as a windless day.

The fact is, I can’t control the waves. they happen outside my control. I can see the surface, feel the movement as things happen. The ripples are real. But they are also distant.

And the space between me and the waves above is as close or as far away as I wish. I can reach out and interact with them – make waves of my own – or step back and watch.

It’s always my choice.

Making Space

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Look around you. Right now, how much distance is between you and the nearest person? Could you reach out and touch them?

Okay, now how much do you know about that person? How much distance is between you as people? Can you measure the solipsistic gulf – and are you happy with that distance?

 I’m surrounded by people, but I haven’t said hello to anyone in days.

Right now the gulf is massive. There is a sense of un-worth that stops me from interacting. Like great grey walls that block all sight and muffle all sound.

There’s not much I can do. Being alone is hard. But reaching out is harder. Talking is harder.

However, there is power in this knowledge. I know from experience that this grey gulf is real. It is happening right now. But it is also as insubstantial as and fleeting as mist on a sunny day.

And the best thing is that I don’t have to do anything. The passing of time will take care of it. I just need to give myself space. Give myself permission to be alone, and soon enough I can reach out and – metaphorically – touch people once again.

Sparing some change

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There are times when I want to be different. When I’m dissatisfied with my life, with who I am and what I do.

It could be work, friends, or an attitude towards something. Whatever. The point is the while I feel dissatisfied with it, I may also feel like I’m unable to change. Like my depression keeps me stuck in place like tar. Depressing, sucky tar. 

But there’s one thing I’m not able to see, right there and then. I want to change.

That already makes me different from before. As soon as I realise that, as soon as if makes it’s way into my conscious mind, I am able to act.

Because then I realise the truth oft situation – I can’t control everything that happens, but I do controls my reactions. And I’m the only thing stopping me from making my situation better I just have to choose to act. 

Not A Real Doctor

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A friend is suffering through a bad bout of depression. And something hits me – I’ve never really experienced it from this side before and I’m a really shit therapist.

I’m trying to remain present, and fix what I can, but:

  • Every cool or interesting thing I show them gets shot down
  • Offers of food/drinks get criticised
  • Every conversation turns to how shit their life is

And you know what? I got resentful.

Like, how dare they demean me like that? Why can’t they see how excellent they are? And can’t they see how their baggage is bringing me down too?

NO. STOP IT.

I haven’t been able to see the water I’m swimming in. Individually, people can be nice and kind and generous and wonderful. Collectively, we’re as thick as wooden planks. Society says to focus on the me, making me better – and so I focus on it to the exclusion of other people’s plights.

Well, I call bullshit. I can see from my time with this person that it’s really, stupidly hard to help people with depression, simply by the given nature of the disease.

They can’t accept help, can’t ask for it, can’t get out of bed in the morning. I have written about all this before, and I thought I understood it thoroughly. But now I have a massive appreciation for everyone who has ever lent me an ear when I’m venting, or traveled with me to the doctors because I’m too unstable to drive.

And I can see now that there’s so much more room for me to improve. Management isn’t about having a destination – I will never be “cured” – it’s about building myself up day by day to be better. I know this – but it applies to everyone else as well. And I think I lost sight of that somewhere along the way.

So thank you, traveling partner. Thank you for showing me that I don’t have all the answers, that I could stand to be more sympathetic and understanding. And for understanding why I slipped up.

I’m not a doctor, not even at all.

+++++

[shirt]

NDA

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A non-disclosure agreement is a binding contract. It makes sure that one party can not disclose any information they uncover about another party – be it products, services, marketing details … what their boss wears during the end of year party (yeesh) … or whatever.

It stops people from knowing things that they don’t need to know.

Now, my ego has this violent urge to be noticed. I want recognition, respect, attention. When I’m down I feel that just maybe if I was smarter/healthier/more attractive then maybe the empty feeling inside would fade.

When this happens, I can feel part of me inside scrambling round trying to find reasons why people might like me. Is it my eyes? what I was wearing? Or that funny thing I said the other day?

But I have recently learned a secret. At least, it was a secret from me.

Nobody knows why other people like them, and that’s fine.

It’s like there’s this NDA we all signed at birth. We all agreed that we can keep what we like to ourselves, including what we like about people.

And this is actually 100% okay! Think about it – if you knew what everyone liked about you, how would that change you? Would you try and build on your strengths for more attention? Or strengthen the bits that were unnoticed?

No. You would tie yourself up in knots trying to understand and accommodate every point of view – and in the end there’s only one point of view that matters. It’s yours.

So please, don’t waste your time trying to breach the NDA. Focus on what you have – on what you like. People may come to appreciate you more – but in the end, it’s your own appreciation that matters. Because your access to that is 100% legal.

Pregaming

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Sometimes when I go out, I have a quick drink or two before I head off. Like maybe I’m going to a bar, but I don’t want to be all uptight when I get there, so I have a couple shots with my mates before I head out.

Done right, it saves me some time, (and possibly money) and I still  get to enjoy the night without embarrassment.

Likewise, whenever I’m going into a stressful situation, I like to make sure I’m ready. Not by drinking – tequila doesn’t help – but by going through a checklist.

My Pre-Game Ritual

  • I exercise a bit. 30 minutes a day, every two days.
  • I sleep 7.5 hours – no alarm, I just want to wake when rested.
  • I eat good things – steering clear of crap food and focusing on fresh and clean makes my mind clear.
  • Avoiding booze/caffeine – it means I’m operating without anything clouding my head.

If I do these things, then I know I’m in the best possible shape to deal with whatever stressful thing may be happening.

I’m ready for the big game.

The gift of presence

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YES it’s a bad pun. But there’s a truth here. As we draw away from the gift-giving season, there’s one thing I know I am glad to receive – attention.

Let’s face it, people are very busy. They may feel like there is a lot of pressure on them to get things done – especially at the end of the year.

So for me, giving my attention to my family and friends – to the people dearest to me – is one way I can show my consideration. That I care.

Just the simple act of sitting down and connecting, it can mean more to me than a pile of presents. No video game, no premium coffee, no new book can replace the value I find by focusing wholeheartedly on one person (although it’s a close run thing).

And here’s the thing – people really value this attention. Especially because it comes from me. Not because I’m some kind of magic listener – I don’t solve their problems, I just nod – but because they know it can be difficult.

People generally struggle with intimacy at the best of times, so to have someone who is known for being, uh, lets just say “temperamental” really give them the attention they deserve and need, well… it’s powerful stuff.

Give it a try sometime, and see what happens. Maybe nothing, in which case you lose nothing. But maybe…

The Watcher

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When I say “I can’t believe I said that,” who the heck is the “I” in that sentence?

If I’m down, and I think “I can’t stand myself,” just who is this individual that can not do the standing?

It’s the Watcher. That part of your consciousness that silently observes. And it’s great.

Because there’s no judgement with the observer. No hate, no loathing – just acceptance.

I think I’d like to get to know this guy more. I think he’s got something going, and “I” want a part of it.

No Measure

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There is no such thing as “sick enough”.

As I write this I am several hundred thousand kilometres and quite a few air-hours from home. No support, no back-up. Just me and my condition.

And this one truth hits home – I am responsible for managing myself.

If I need help, then I get help. I may not feel like I deserve assistance. I may loathe the idea of asking for help – I usually do – but in this case no one else is going to do it for me. Because they can’t.

They don’t know.

And why not? Because there’s no measure for when someone is “sick enough” to get help. If you saw someone bleeding, you wouldn’t stop to measure how much blood they had lost before deciding to lend a hand. That’s counterproductive – you would help, or get them help, as fast as possible. Assess their needs, sure, but not dismiss them out of hand. Because there’s no such thing as bleeding enough, is there?

And it’s the same for mental health. If I am depressive or hypomanic, then that’s reality. It is happening – it is fact. Except in my case, no one can see the medical emergency going on. It’s all internal.

It’s up to me to act.

So if you are struggling, if you feel the need for assistance, do not listen to the thought that you are not “sick enough” because that definition does not exist.

Bubbles On A Stream

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Emotions are not collectable things. They are more like bubbles on a stream – you can examine them closely, but eventually you have to watch them float by. At which point they will be replaced by new bubbles.

For me, my bipolar moods are like these bubbles.These feelings (or lack of feelings) are things that are happening in my world . They are present, but passing – and I do not have to do anything about them, other than examine them.

This does not mean that my bipolar moods are in any way less real or less powerful than those experienced by other people – or by myself when I’m not involved in an episode. They are real. The are present.

But they are circumstantial.

This is important to note, because for bipolaroids like me, it becomes necessary to dissociate feelings from action.

My moods are not my choice. The stream doesn’t get to choose the size or frequency of the bubbles. They just happen.

Likewise,I am not responsible for my feelings. I am only responsible for how I respond. Just like everyone else.