Tag: Mania

Hey! When I get manic episodes my sleep doesn’t change. I might sleep maybe an hour or two less but I’ve never had a problem with that. This makes me doubt whether or not I even have mania because I get tired and sleep fine :(

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Hi anon!

Bipolarity cones in many flavours.

Bipolar I tends to involve actual manic episodes. These can include full-on delusions, hallucinations, and breaks with reality. Some people believe they are touched by a deity, or have superpowers. Sleep may not be possible.

Bipolar II is characterized by hypo-mania. The “high” phase expresses itself in feelings of confidence, energy, and racing thoughts. But without the disconnect. So I may feel I’m super good looking, or more capable than I am. But I don’t experience the belief that I am genuinely more than I am. Sleep may be hard to acquire or short in duration.

Cyclothymia delivers high phases that can be intense, but short-lived. They can also be quite spread out in occurrence. So while the sleep may not be good quality – or even possible – sleepless nights are less frequent.

And there’s no real boundary between these? It’s all experiential and your symptoms define the treatment. But it’s not to say that you can’t experience a mix of intensities. You can feel intense lows that would otherwise be categorized as Bipolar I but only experience a brief spurt of confidence/energy/anger similar to Cyclothymia.

Your labels matter because they help you put symptoms in a box. But what matters more is the quality of life you are able to experience around them.

If you are bipolar and don’t experience crazy highs, that’s okay! If you feel energetic AF but can still get a full eight hours a night, great! In my thoroughly un-medical view, if it doesn’t impact negatively on your quality of life, then you don’t need to take steps to fix it.

So anon, rest well when you can!

Addictive Personalities

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people with addictive personality and historic of addiction (like on cigarettes, alcohol and drugs) are more probable of having Bipolar, or is it the Bipolar that kinda are prone to addictive behavior?

That’s a tough call, anon.

Compulsive behaviour is part of my bipolar experience.

I know I feel a need for nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, and sex when I’m experiencing a high or a low phase.

It’s almost like a displacement activity.

Instead of “I’m sad and I don’t know why” it becomes “I’m sad because I drank too much” or “my heart is racing for no damn reason” it’s “my heart is racing because I smashed three espressos”.

I feel that addiction has less to do with repeated exposure and more to do with a sense of emptiness, or a lack of connection.

Being bipolar gives me both compulsion and emptiness on a regular basis.

So I live clean.

I’m as close to straight edge as I ever want to get, and I like it like this.

Management

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Okay so I know I talk a lot about managing depression and hypomanic states.

But it’s not as simple as that. And I think it’s my fault that some people get it wrong.

For a start, you can’t “manage” depression.

It’s not a god-damn stock portfolio.

It’s not like I’m investing heavily in “sadness” or “nihilistic statements” instead of “rainbows” and “smiling”.

Instead, I’m talking about the act of managing responses.

Taking time to deliberately examine the drivers behind actions you take. See if they factually help the situation. Getting mindful. Looking at emotions as inputs that inform responses, and not states that demand action.

That’s what “management” means here.

Also if anyone know how to invest in rainbows I’m listening.

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The Itch

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I’m sitting in my parents kitchen, drinking tea from an unfamiliar mug.

It’s comfortable, yet strange to be here.

And that’s why I came back.

I wanted distance. Perspective. A new view of the life I have built.

Because The Itch is back

I know it as a feeling of discontent.

I’m itching for change.

Clenched teeth, stiff neck, curled fists. The need to lash out and make make something – anything – happen.

It’s a form of hypomania.

Not the fast, happy, isn’t-life-amazing high you might think of.

Instead, I have a real sense of disconnect.

I’m moving too fast, wanting too much. Or more accurately, I want things at the right speed – but the universe is slow in making things happen.

That’s why I’m here.

I’m showing myself how much things have changed.

I’m examining the speed of my own progress. Trying to remind myself that fast doesn’t mean durable, desirable or great. And most importantly fast isn’t permanent.

Fast is just fast.

This does little to soothe the itch.

But it does mean I’m less likely to act without thinking things through.

Guilt vs Shame

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I don’t feel guilt when I’m depressed.

Guilt is knowledge. Guilt is a deliberate, conditioned response to a deliberate, considered action. If I steal the last cookie from the pack, I feel guilty, because I know that’s a dick move. Society has taught me this is wrong, and so when I do wrong, then I become guilty. It’s just information.

Shame is a state of being. It is an emotional state of crushing force. Shame shuts down my ability to do even the most basic things. It diminishes my sense of honour, worth, and self esteem. Anything that removes or diminishes these ideal is shameful, and thus I feel ashamed. It’s a feeling of diminished possibilities.

Here’s the rub. I can do a thing that makes me guilty but not ashamed. If I sleep with someone and don’t call them back, that makes me guilty of being a crappy lover (or a great one-night stand, your choice). I may experience guilt because it’s not what you’re “meant“to do, but I don’t feel shame, because it’s not a shameful thing.

On the flip side, if I’m late to meet with friends, I feel shame, because my mental state tells me that I’m a horrible human being for not respecting their time. It’s my sense of self that gets judged, not just the action. I’m not guilty per se, because it was not deliberate.  Besides, they were late anyway and forgave my trespass.

That’s what friends are for, right?

But depression doesn’t let me see this distinction. It robs me of the insight into the difference between an external judgement and an internal state. Guilt becomes shame. Shame then creates more shame, because it stops me from doing. And because I can’t do, I feel more shame – and so the cycle starts.

However, you can stop the cycle before it begins.

Firstly remember that everything that happens to you is not your fault. You did not cause it. You do not control how the world works. You can only ever choose how to react to it.

And secondly, remember that depression, bipolar – and mental health issues in general – impact your ability to react. In the same way as an external force acting on your body. You can’t choose how to feel. And that counts as an external force.

Remember: guilt relates to deliberate choices and is determined mainly by society, while shame is an internal judgement. Bipolar and associated conditions are not a choice, nor are they internal judgements. They are things that are happening to you.

So they can’t be given the label of either guilt or shame.

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