Tag: management

Guilt vs Shame

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I don’t feel guilt when I’m depressed.

Guilt is knowledge. Guilt is a deliberate, conditioned response to a deliberate, considered action. If I steal the last cookie from the pack, I feel guilty, because I know that’s a dick move. Society has taught me this is wrong, and so when I do wrong, then I become guilty. It’s just information.

Shame is a state of being. It is an emotional state of crushing force. Shame shuts down my ability to do even the most basic things. It diminishes my sense of honour, worth, and self esteem. Anything that removes or diminishes these ideal is shameful, and thus I feel ashamed. It’s a feeling of diminished possibilities.

Here’s the rub. I can do a thing that makes me guilty but not ashamed. If I sleep with someone and don’t call them back, that makes me guilty of being a crappy lover (or a great one-night stand, your choice). I may experience guilt because it’s not what you’re “meant“to do, but I don’t feel shame, because it’s not a shameful thing.

On the flip side, if I’m late to meet with friends, I feel shame, because my mental state tells me that I’m a horrible human being for not respecting their time. It’s my sense of self that gets judged, not just the action. I’m not guilty per se, because it was not deliberate.  Besides, they were late anyway and forgave my trespass.

That’s what friends are for, right?

But depression doesn’t let me see this distinction. It robs me of the insight into the difference between an external judgement and an internal state. Guilt becomes shame. Shame then creates more shame, because it stops me from doing. And because I can’t do, I feel more shame – and so the cycle starts.

However, you can stop the cycle before it begins.

Firstly remember that everything that happens to you is not your fault. You did not cause it. You do not control how the world works. You can only ever choose how to react to it.

And secondly, remember that depression, bipolar – and mental health issues in general – impact your ability to react. In the same way as an external force acting on your body. You can’t choose how to feel. And that counts as an external force.

Remember: guilt relates to deliberate choices and is determined mainly by society, while shame is an internal judgement. Bipolar and associated conditions are not a choice, nor are they internal judgements. They are things that are happening to you.

So they can’t be given the label of either guilt or shame.

+++++

[shirt]

The Good Fight

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Today was not the right day for things to go wrong. It felt like fighting an uphill battle. Against giants. While armed with waterpistols.

I missed out on saying goodbye to a food friend by mere minutes. Then the taxi went to the wrong address. I lost money through carelessness. Got mad and tried to drink my feelings away. Turned up late to a dinner with friends. Yelled about my crap life in front of strangers. Got lost on the way home. The air conditioner broke down and it hot as hell.

Yeah it was a tough day. Made worse by the fact that I know it’s actually not that bad. Everything on the list is annoying, sure. But in the real world it’s recoverable. I know I’m durable. And I will survive. Which makes the guilt at feeling bad even worse.

How to beat it.
There’s no simple solution. When the monster wants me it comes and takes me. Repressing or refusing to acknowledge an episode – no matter how minor – just makes it worse.

So the best thing for me is to stand up (or at least sit a bit higher on my bed) and declare loudly (mumble into my pillow) “I am experiencing a bout of depression. It’s not me, I am not the cause. Anymore than I’m the cause of rainy weather. Bad things happen. But I will be smart about this and stay out of the rain as much as I can.”

I will fight the good fight. And it becomes a good fight when I stop fighting by taking the blame away from the circumstance.

New paint

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It’s amazing how much my sense of identity is tied to this meat suit.

I mean yeah, my body is me. I know this. But usually I’m focused on other things – how to pay bills, working on relationships, picking what to have for breakfast. I lose sight of the fact that I am inseparable from my body.

Sure it drives me wild sometimes – I mean, who would choose to be bipolar? You wouldn’t choose a car you knew would occasionally refuse to start.

But it’s all I have. And honestly I kind of like it now. I’ve put in a lot of work over the last few years and it’s better now than I think it’s ever been before.

So I’ve decided to show it I like it the best way I know how. Just like a car owner might get their wheels a new coat of paint – I’m getting a haircut and dressing fancy.

Head vs Habit

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I think my habits are automatic feedback loops. They’re hard to beat,
because interrupting them feels uncomfortable. But letting them run
their course delivers a reward feedback.

Case in point: I’m watching tv shows on my laptop. I need sleep so I can do things like an intelligent human. What do I do? Watch more, then get on Tumblr and look at pictures of ducks.

Second case: I have an appointment in another city coming up, and need to book travel and accommodation. The day before rolls around and BAM I’m still in my room. Looking at pictures of ducks.

On the flip side, my head knows what’s best. It remembers how I feel when I do the thing, or stop doing the thing.

It just needs leverage to interrupt the habit loop.

This matters because some of my habits – late nights, heavy drinking, bad diet, lack of exercise – are self-destructive. They all contribute to increasing occurrence, severity and length of a bipolar/cyclothymic episode.And it’s not like I have a choice of going up or down.

So, how do you get your head to beat your habits?

Ripples on a lake

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There is an amazing sense of peace underwater. The silence, the feel of coolness and depth. It makes for an amazing break with the world above.

It also forms the basis of one of my favourite calming thoughts.

I’m sitting at the bottom of a lake or stream. It is cool and quiet all around me. The rest of the world is reflected as waves and ripples on the surface above. Constant movement – sometimes fast and frantic as in a storm, other times it’s smooth and tranquil as a windless day.

The fact is, I can’t control the waves. they happen outside my control. I can see the surface, feel the movement as things happen. The ripples are real. But they are also distant.

And the space between me and the waves above is as close or as far away as I wish. I can reach out and interact with them – make waves of my own – or step back and watch.

It’s always my choice.

Sparing some change

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There are times when I want to be different. When I’m dissatisfied with my life, with who I am and what I do.

It could be work, friends, or an attitude towards something. Whatever. The point is the while I feel dissatisfied with it, I may also feel like I’m unable to change. Like my depression keeps me stuck in place like tar. Depressing, sucky tar. 

But there’s one thing I’m not able to see, right there and then. I want to change.

That already makes me different from before. As soon as I realise that, as soon as if makes it’s way into my conscious mind, I am able to act.

Because then I realise the truth oft situation – I can’t control everything that happens, but I do controls my reactions. And I’m the only thing stopping me from making my situation better I just have to choose to act. 

Mental Yoga

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On my travels, I have met a number of people who practice yoga.

They focus on their inside environment by stretching their bodies, (safely) push them to their limits. They focus on their breathing.

They know that what they consume affects their experience. Many of these yogis and yoginis (sp?) focus on their food and drink as well, with a strong emphasis on fresh, clean meals that taste great. Nothing unpleasant. Nothing toxic.

They extend this philosophy to their daily lives. In the places they stay, the activities they attempt, and even the people they meet – they seek to increase the frequency and duration of the more pleasant experiences, places and people they encounter, while removing the toxic and unpleasant.

They learn to trust their instinct. These yoga types have a kind of watchful circuitry. One that keeps an eye on their moods and feelings, lets them know if something’s amiss, and helps them identify how to rectify the situation. They learn to listen to their emotions, because they recognise them as real.

There are some amazing similarities between these exercises and practices, and the habits I have cultivated to help me manage my bipolarity:

And now I’m wondering if this is something I can look into more fully. What more can yoga teach me about managing my condition?

KDR

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There’s a popular building package where I grew up called the Knock Down and Rebuild. Basically you just pay some dude with a bulldozer or whatever to smash up your house, then build a new one.

Sounds like fun, yes?

When I had my last real episode, I knew this was something I had to do – I had to smash the habits that had lead to my breakdown, and bolt together something better in its place.

BULLDOZE BAD HABITS – be it work, relationships, substances, staying up late at night watching Netflix. If something is causing you stress, stealing your sleep or in other ways damaging your cool, then walk away. Smash that habit and never look back.

BUILD A SUPPORT NETWORK – maybe tell family, friends and mental health professionals what’s going on. They can’t shoulder the burden for you, true, but just telling them what’s happening means you are taking responsibility. And that’s some powerful stuff.

THERE WILL BE COLLATERAL – there are gonna be times when you slip. This is expected – you can’t be ready all the time. But by telling your support peeps, they will be ready, and can sometimes help you rebuild things.

Virtual Reality

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Emotions are real. You can feel them, see how they change things, hear them alter your voice.

Their existence is not a matter of question – it is fact. But they come with some big fucking caveats.

  1. NOBODY ELSE CAN FEEL THEM – all they can see is someone moving in response to stimuli they cannot sense
  2. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID – with Bipolar (and other mental health issues) there is no point in judging the merit of an emotion. It is what it is, and examining it for validity will not resolve its intensity. Yes, you feel what you feel for a reason – that reason is chemicals in your brain doing a weird dance.
  3. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THEM – mindfulness practices may help you identify what you are feeling. This is good. But they cannot give you control over your emotions. Nothing can. But this doesn’t mean you don’t have a choice
  4. YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR REACTIONS – you may have no control over what you’re feeling, or why you are feeling it, but you can control how you react.

THIS IS SUPER TOUGH – because you are up against forces that literally part of you, and that no one else can see.Just like someone wear a VR headset, the people around you cannot experience what the wearer sees and hears – they can only observe the wearer’s reactions.

SO BE KIND TO YOURSELF – because the truth is that control is not always possible, and almost never desirable. You can’t take the headset off, but you can learn that this is your own reality. So be nice to yourself when you fall, and give yourself the space to fix things when you need it.

Manageably Abnormal

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Being diagnosed with a mental illness is terrifying because you are essentially told that your reality is abnormal.

But for me, diagnosis is less scary than not knowing why.

Because without the why, I would have no hope of effective management. And my reality would become unmanageably abnormal.

Instead, my reality is now manageably abnormal – and I’ll take that diagnosis any day.