Tag: management

Basic Breakdown

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Sitting in a coffee shop. Trying to do some basic work.

Using my giant headphones

to ignore the basic conversation about how DudeName’s cousin shtupped What’s-A-Face’s little sibling.

I’m just trying to focus on the basics. Get the job done. Drink the cappuccino. Get paid. Go home.

And it all starts to go a bit peculiar.

First it’s the heart rate. My pulse goes up and I feel a bit edgy.

Palms go a bit sweaty.

DudeName drones on.

I can’t help but fixate on the conversation. Have you ever heard an annoying voice talking about a meaningless topic, yet get very engaged?

Stop it. Turn up the music. Type faster.

Then its the certainty that someone is staring at me. I stare at each group in turn, trying to figure out who’s eyeballing me.

Nope. Just focus on the basics.

Drink coffee. Ignore What’s-A-Face. Music. Work.

But now it feels like DudeName’s and What’s-A-Face’s voices are filling my world. I want to cry with the amount of apathy I have for their damn story.

Get the stuff done. Go home.

I just want to go home.

But instead I sit there like a fool.

In my head, if I pack up, pay for the bill and get out of here, then everyone will know. The unsettled hypomania wins.

And everyone will know.

And that’s the worst thing.

Or is it?

Here’s my three-step process for dealing with the Basic Breakdown.

  1. Imagine that all these other people are on their own islands. They have their own things going on. Any looks in my direction are circumstantial. They’re just glancing at the horizon.
  2. Stop drinking coffee. Like, right now. Yes I know I paid good money for it, but it feels like caffeine can trigger or extend my hypomanic symptoms. So I give myself permission to not finish the cup/pot/barrel.
  3. Save my work, pack up and go home. Work to your strengths when you can. And when your strength is failing, stop lifting.

Be kind and look after yourself.

If you can’t work in public, for whatever reason, then don’t.

Give yourself a break.

Pick something you know you can do.

  • Watch Netflix on your phone.
  • Read some comics.
  • Eat pizza with your hands and a paper towel.

And just let it pass.

+++++

[shirt]

Management

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Okay so I know I talk a lot about managing depression and hypomanic states.

But it’s not as simple as that. And I think it’s my fault that some people get it wrong.

For a start, you can’t “manage” depression.

It’s not a god-damn stock portfolio.

It’s not like I’m investing heavily in “sadness” or “nihilistic statements” instead of “rainbows” and “smiling”.

Instead, I’m talking about the act of managing responses.

Taking time to deliberately examine the drivers behind actions you take. See if they factually help the situation. Getting mindful. Looking at emotions as inputs that inform responses, and not states that demand action.

That’s what “management” means here.

Also if anyone know how to invest in rainbows I’m listening.

+++++

[shirt]

Riding Shotgun

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

So, your partner has Bipolar?

Welcome to a pretty exclusive club. Here are the rules.

Okay, not rules.

Guidelines.

Suggestions.

They’re
not complete. Everyone has their own stuff. And yeah, they don’t just
apply to bipolaroids. You can use them with other people as well.

This is not a trade. There are no guarantees. Providing
your bipolar partner with love and attention does not mean you will
contractually receive happy, lovey, flirty interactions. This is a relationship – and you are not owed anything. Hell,
if that’s you’re view of relationships, then I pity you. Instead, try
focusing on the joy you find in the loving acts you provide, and give
what you can because you want to.

Your presence is not always the beacon of light and joy you want it to be. Sometimes stuff just sucks. And guess what, buddy? You’re stuff. And your stuff-ness is out of your control. It’s not you . It’s just that you’re part of the space-time continuum.

You are not a mind reader.  Please don’t expect yourself to be one. Bipolaroids often find it hard to communicate. Up, down, recovering – it doesn’t matter. Sometimes we struggle. Don’t view our inability to interact as a personal attack. Instead,
think of it more like a bad Skype connection. The picture is there, and
we want to talk. It’s just that the data gets garbled.

You will not have the right answers. When a bipolaroid is up or down, our reality is light years away from yours. Offering advice to your bipolar partner feels like you are pointing out this gap. It
doesn’t matter what the advice is about – we feel angry, sad,
embarrassed or frustrated at this sudden sense of distance. One way
forward is to ask yourself what the best possible outcome is likely to
be from your interaction. If the outcome is positive – and the inclusion
of shouting and/or tears doesn’t diminish the result – then by all
means suggest away.

Being bipolar takes from us constantly. It demands time, patience, energy. In some cases, medical attention and time in bed. We are sorry for being so demanding. We hate it as much as you do. But we appreciate everything you give, when we can appreciate things. Picture this – you are enough for someone who frequently experiences highs that can topple mountains. You are awesome!

And finally, we can’t meet your expectations. They’re
in your head. That’s inaccessible to anyone short of a psychotherapist.
And besides, our heads don’t have space for them. They’re too full dealing with our own reality. Which you are a major part of. Instead, just get rid of them, and enjoy the fact that we want you on board with us. And we’ll do the same for you.

+++++

[shirt]

Normal Operating Procedures

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Here’s the one big poopy thing about depression.

It stops normal operations.

  • You know you can do things. You’ve done them in the past.
  • You know you will do things. It’s built into you, and you will do them in the future.
  • You know you want to do things now. But you just don’t have the juice.

Depression overrides the normal operating procedures.

The condition (and it is a condition – it’s happening to you) resets the bar for getting things done.

And not just physical activities. Mental, personal and emotional activities.

How can you get through this stage?

Flip the script.

  1. Before, you wanted to be okay, but you still feel awful.
  2. After, you’ll be okay, but for now you goveyourself permission to feel poopy.

Does this make sense?

Let’s run through some more.

  1. Before, you know that doing something (anything!) would make you feel better, but you don’t know how to start
  2. After, you accept there’s not much “start”, so the idea of doing – while nice – is put aside for later.

Get it?

  1. You feel unloved. People do love you. You can’t feel it.
  2. That’s okay. Give yourself permission to feel that.
  1. You try to get well, but feel like your doomed to fail.
  2. That’s okay. Give yourself permission to feel that too.

By giving permission for these feeling to exist, you take control of what’s normal for you.

And there’s power in that.

Even if all you do with that power is give yourself permission to get better while covered in blankets. That is also okay. It is your choice how to operate until conditions improve.

+++++

[shirt]

Flatlining

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

I get up late in the afternoon.

Put clothing on my body. Put food in my face.

Log on to do work type things. Press buttons. Click images. Drag things from one folder to another.

Get up. Pee. Sit back down.

More buttons.

Food in face.

Headphones. Coffee.

Ah, what was that? Did I hear a heartbeat? Did something stir? An echo of how I used to be?

I know this feeling. I call it “flatlining”.

It’s the part of a depressive phase. It’s the bit where I’m not unhappy. But I’m not content. Everything just is.

And it’s dangerous.

My
brain wonder how long I have to put up with this mode of existence. How
many days of getting up, clothing and feeding myself simply because I
”should”? How many weeks of pressing buttons and getting up to pee? How
many months of crushing monotony where nothing stirs my soul?

I
can see the danger. I have been through this before. Chances are, if
you’re reading this, then you have too. You know why it’s dangerous.

So, how can you beat the flatline?

There
are three things I know help me get to grips with it. Not banish it.
There’s no cure that causes me to suddenly perk up and just be better.

Here they are.

Caffeine.
Drink coffee. Or tea. Nothing too sugary – that causes too big a high
and low – but with enough stuff just to elevate your metabolism. It’s
not the same as true excitement. But it does help lift the fog. A
little. Enough so that I feel like I have a grip on my choices.

Exercise.
Walking seems pointless, and lifting weights feels like a zero-sum
game. But the stress it puts on your body stimulates the metabolism
further, keeping things ticking over. I feel like this stops my body
from entering a state of sludge.

Sleep. When I hit the point
where I can not do things, sleep is great. It helps restore brain
function by removing cellular toxins generated by daily activities. It literally flushes the shitty bits out of your brain.

What is your favourite way of recovering from flatline?

+++++

[shirt]

The Itch

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

I’m sitting in my parents kitchen, drinking tea from an unfamiliar mug.

It’s comfortable, yet strange to be here.

And that’s why I came back.

I wanted distance. Perspective. A new view of the life I have built.

Because The Itch is back

I know it as a feeling of discontent.

I’m itching for change.

Clenched teeth, stiff neck, curled fists. The need to lash out and make make something – anything – happen.

It’s a form of hypomania.

Not the fast, happy, isn’t-life-amazing high you might think of.

Instead, I have a real sense of disconnect.

I’m moving too fast, wanting too much. Or more accurately, I want things at the right speed – but the universe is slow in making things happen.

That’s why I’m here.

I’m showing myself how much things have changed.

I’m examining the speed of my own progress. Trying to remind myself that fast doesn’t mean durable, desirable or great. And most importantly fast isn’t permanent.

Fast is just fast.

This does little to soothe the itch.

But it does mean I’m less likely to act without thinking things through.

Molasses

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

You ever had to wade through molasses?

Or maybe tar? Or glue?

Me neither. But  know what it’s like.

A single step is an effort. Raising your hand or arm is tiring. Keeping your head up is exhausting.

Now, imagine if the molasses was on the inside.

Imagine it weighing things down. Normal automatic processes are harder. Your appetite slows. Breathing is a struggle. Smiling or looking someone in the eye is a titanic undertaking. The molasses makes everything heavier.

Now imagine the molasses in your head.

It binds to thoughts, slowing them to a standstill. Feelings get sucked under. Logic gets glued in place.

Any activity is a drain. It feels like there’s no action you can take that is going to be freeing, liberating, easy. Because even thinking is an effort. And forcing action is next to impossible.

This is depression.

You can’t fight it. Your body is too heavily bound. You can’t grin and bear it, because smiling sits heavily on your face. You can’t think your way out, because the thoughts are caught.

So, how do you get out?

By waiting.

The molasses isn’t going anywhere. But it’s also not a motive force. It weighs you down, but it is static.  By struggling, by resisting, you are tiring yourself out. Forcing painful friction. This pain adds to the inertia, making you feel worse.

Be still. Be accepting.

Look at where the molasses clings. Wait for gravity to do it’s thing. Observe it as it gathers and gloops and falls to the floor.

By being patient and present, you free yourself of the painful struggle. And when it is gone, you will have an appreciation for the freedom others can take for granted.

+++++

[shirt]

No Filter

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

I feel everything.

I’m operating without a filter. There’s
no time to stop and think. Events are moving too slowly. And while I
feel all the things, the overriding sense is one of urgency.

I must make things happen. I have so much energy. I can’t waste time on being nice, reasonable, a “good” person.

And the people around me suffer because I can’t stop to consider how I’m impacting their lives.

How can I handle so much energy?

I make lists. I write down everything that needs doing, and everything I want to do.

Then
I cut it down. Which ones matter? Which ones are feasible? Which ones
are going to have an awesome impact? Which ones will I regret not doing?

What does this do?

Culling the list forces me to concentrate on what matters. The list becomes an external filter.

Yes, I can still feel everything, but I can choose what to focus on.

And yes, the urgency is still there, but now it’s focused. Useful. Like a blowtorch rather than a firecracker. Directed.

With
my list in hand, I can get to grips with making things happen. I’m less
distracted. More accurate. And less likely to lash out in frustration.

+++++

[shirt]

Craving

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

I am experiencing a god-awful craving for closeness.

A need to touch and be touched. Held. Cared for.

It’s a creepy sensation. Mainly because it’s unfamiliar. I’m quite confident in my solitary travel ways. But this makes me feel like a creepy deviant.

I’m not sure why. All I know is that I feel alone. Surrounded by people, sure. Good people. People I have come to admire and respect. But alone.

I think that touch affirms the sense of being a people. People touch other people to show they are paying attention.

It helps me know that I am alive. Worthwhile.

But I can’t ask strangers. Can’t ask travel friends. That’s creepy. Yet the feeling’s building up.

So, what’s the solution?

MASSAGE

A solid 1.5 hour massage. Head to toe. Forget the hot rocks, hold the oil – this isn’t for improved skin tone or blood circulation.

This is about re-establishing my sense of humanity.

And man, humanity sure does feel good.

Climate Prep

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

I have heard a theory about  cultures that  develop in extreme climates. The theory goes that severe conditions requires careful preparation to survive. The local communities develop routines that work around the local environmental conditions. Like collecting food and fuel to last out frozen months. Or hauling water vast distances in the gray of early morning to avoid dehydration during the furnace of mid-day.

The interesting point for me is the way the people pay attention to the signs and signals in the weather. They see a cloud on the horizon, or notice a hint of change in the air, and they respond accordingly. They have learned that to ignore the warning signs is to chance an extremely uncomfortable (and potentially short) existence.

This matters because my moods are like the weather in many ways:

  • they are outside my direct control
  • their arrival is preceded by certain signs
  • they’re impacts can be mitigated by intelligent preparation
  • the consequences of ignoring them can be devastating

For example, if i notice a certain numbness to my thoughts – like I haven’t slept enough and my brain feels sluggish – that’s a good indication of a depressive episode. OR if I get excited at the prospect of something menial – and the excitement doesn’t fade, or seems to cross into every thought – then there’s a good percentage on it being a precursor to a hypomanic episode.

Unfortunately, there are strong temptations to ignore these signs. I might try to brush of a numb sensation as a result of working too hard, or a strong flutter as a normal response to exciting news. Because the truth is I don’t want to have to face the tough times ahead. I don’t want to stockpile provisions. I don’t want to avoid the outdoors.

Additionally, other people can’t see the weather. It’s not real for them. And I don’t want to look dumb in front of my friends by throwing on a heavy jacket indoors, or chugging ice-water when everyone else is sipping hot chocolates.

But this is dumb. It’s like standing in the snow without clothes because you don’t believe in blizzards. The weather exists whether you believe in it or not.

Besides, I’m not doing this preparation for them. I’m doing it for me.