Tag: hypomanic

Reasons You Should Date Me

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When I am depressed:

  • we can catch up on all the TV shows

  • comfortable clothing is IN

  • also blankets

  • and naps

  • and pizza

  • and delicious coffee that makes your heart move

  • black humor that will leave you chuckling

  • reading YA and avoiding social media

  • music 24/7

When I am hypomanic:

  • I will make things happen

  • all of the things (hiking??)

  • affection like you read about

  • I will build your confidence like it’s my business

  • much sex (waaaaay much)

  • again with the coffee

  • and the music

  • and black humour

  • and also really bad dancing (I hope you like karate moves?)

When I am neither up nor down:

  • I’m just a regular person like you

  • except sometimes my moods don’t match my circumstances

  • I am well aware of this 

  • I research and practice healthy coping mechanisms

  • actually the black humour is just me I guess?

  • you are not responsible for my wellbeing

  • I will not ask you to be responsible for my wellbeing

  • If you are okay with me putting my mental health first we will have a great time

+++++

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Hey, I was wondering if that post about Basic Breakdowns was specifically about cyclothymia or if it was also about bipolar ii? Because that is usually what happens to me as well, and usually im able to stop it or control it in that way too..

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Hi Anon, thanks for writing!

Hypomania isn’t all positive all the time.

Hypomania, like depression, is a mixed bag of sensations.

My experiences with hypomania include increased energy levels,
creativity, sensations of increased strength, and a “there’s no WAY I
CAN POSSIBLY FAIL” worldview.

It lets me get stuff done, while feeling amazing. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t grateful for these experiences.

But sometimes I don’t get the good bits.

I just get the crap bits.

These can include feeling uncomfortably energetic, being irritable at everything, experiencing unrealistic expectations,

and sensations of paranoia.

Like “I am uncomfortable and they KNOW I’m uncomfortable and that makes me MORE UNCOMFORTABLE”.

It’s like experiencing a paranoid panic attack except I feel that I can punch through mountains.

Which I can’t. So I go home and play video games.

I hope this helps!

Basic Breakdown

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Sitting in a coffee shop. Trying to do some basic work.

Using my giant headphones

to ignore the basic conversation about how DudeName’s cousin shtupped What’s-A-Face’s little sibling.

I’m just trying to focus on the basics. Get the job done. Drink the cappuccino. Get paid. Go home.

And it all starts to go a bit peculiar.

First it’s the heart rate. My pulse goes up and I feel a bit edgy.

Palms go a bit sweaty.

DudeName drones on.

I can’t help but fixate on the conversation. Have you ever heard an annoying voice talking about a meaningless topic, yet get very engaged?

Stop it. Turn up the music. Type faster.

Then its the certainty that someone is staring at me. I stare at each group in turn, trying to figure out who’s eyeballing me.

Nope. Just focus on the basics.

Drink coffee. Ignore What’s-A-Face. Music. Work.

But now it feels like DudeName’s and What’s-A-Face’s voices are filling my world. I want to cry with the amount of apathy I have for their damn story.

Get the stuff done. Go home.

I just want to go home.

But instead I sit there like a fool.

In my head, if I pack up, pay for the bill and get out of here, then everyone will know. The unsettled hypomania wins.

And everyone will know.

And that’s the worst thing.

Or is it?

Here’s my three-step process for dealing with the Basic Breakdown.

  1. Imagine that all these other people are on their own islands. They have their own things going on. Any looks in my direction are circumstantial. They’re just glancing at the horizon.
  2. Stop drinking coffee. Like, right now. Yes I know I paid good money for it, but it feels like caffeine can trigger or extend my hypomanic symptoms. So I give myself permission to not finish the cup/pot/barrel.
  3. Save my work, pack up and go home. Work to your strengths when you can. And when your strength is failing, stop lifting.

Be kind and look after yourself.

If you can’t work in public, for whatever reason, then don’t.

Give yourself a break.

Pick something you know you can do.

  • Watch Netflix on your phone.
  • Read some comics.
  • Eat pizza with your hands and a paper towel.

And just let it pass.

+++++

[shirt]

Management

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Okay so I know I talk a lot about managing depression and hypomanic states.

But it’s not as simple as that. And I think it’s my fault that some people get it wrong.

For a start, you can’t “manage” depression.

It’s not a god-damn stock portfolio.

It’s not like I’m investing heavily in “sadness” or “nihilistic statements” instead of “rainbows” and “smiling”.

Instead, I’m talking about the act of managing responses.

Taking time to deliberately examine the drivers behind actions you take. See if they factually help the situation. Getting mindful. Looking at emotions as inputs that inform responses, and not states that demand action.

That’s what “management” means here.

Also if anyone know how to invest in rainbows I’m listening.

+++++

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The Itch

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I’m sitting in my parents kitchen, drinking tea from an unfamiliar mug.

It’s comfortable, yet strange to be here.

And that’s why I came back.

I wanted distance. Perspective. A new view of the life I have built.

Because The Itch is back

I know it as a feeling of discontent.

I’m itching for change.

Clenched teeth, stiff neck, curled fists. The need to lash out and make make something – anything – happen.

It’s a form of hypomania.

Not the fast, happy, isn’t-life-amazing high you might think of.

Instead, I have a real sense of disconnect.

I’m moving too fast, wanting too much. Or more accurately, I want things at the right speed – but the universe is slow in making things happen.

That’s why I’m here.

I’m showing myself how much things have changed.

I’m examining the speed of my own progress. Trying to remind myself that fast doesn’t mean durable, desirable or great. And most importantly fast isn’t permanent.

Fast is just fast.

This does little to soothe the itch.

But it does mean I’m less likely to act without thinking things through.

Too Much Fun

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YES

Everything is coming up fucking roses.

Got a date. Got a party to go to. Got plane tickets.

Life is amazing! I can do anything! Let’s go to India!

MOVE TO MELBOURNE AND OPEN A PIZZA SHOP THAT’S ALSO A RECORD STORE AND HAVE ALL THE SEX IN THE WORLD

What do you mean “calm down”?

+++++

Recently I had a hypomanic episode that was, at its height, fucking ridiculous. Yes, good things did happen, but to me these happenings were literally signs from the universe that I was making all the right choices.

They were not. They were just good things that happen.

But when I get in that headspace – when the good chemicals are flowing freely – I just want to share it. All the good stuff.

I get aggressive. Obnoxious, perhaps, or just loud.

And it’s almost like I can see it their eyes, these people around me. Friends and family, faces on the street. They know something is going on, but they don’t know what.

And they don’t know how to react. And at the time I don’t care.

But afterwards, I get it. And sometimes, like now, I feel ashamed.

How do you tell someone they’re having too much fun?

Wood-chipper

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Loud. Fast. Impossible to argue against.

People open their mouths to get a word in and they get filled with unrelenting rhetoric.

You want sass? You want sarcasm or witty comments? Sure, you can have these things. Along with a rough diatribe of pulped metaphors flying at you too fast for comfort.

Seriously, there’s a reason woopdchippers have a hood over the business end. Its to keep the splintered spray away from the general public.

And anyone dumb enough to get in the way of an operating  woodchipper gets what they deserve – a stinging face and uncomfortable splinters.

Introvert

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“You’re a what?”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Not you. No way!”

But it’s true. I have a sensitive physiology that experiences stimulus at a heightened rate when compared to them normal people (whatever normal is).

So I often pick reading alone over partying. I choose writing with my headphones on over drinks with mates (sorry mates).Or a documentary or sketch session over beer-pong and battleshots. It has happened.

It’s just hard to believe. Because I’m also bipolar. And the high times? They give me the courage and confidence to be the kind of person who starts the party. To get excited and make things happen. Not always intelligent things, granted, but at the time it beats standing still.

The high times helped me work manically in high-pressure environments. Without the high times, I would have struggled way more than I did.

The high times have made it easy to say yes to knew experiences. To go to new places, experience new things.

Without the high times I would have stared at my shoes instead of smiling at the cutie in the cafe that one time.

But it comes at a cost, and that cost is exhaustion. I can’t always keep up with the high times. And I need to be okay with that.

It’s time to acknowledge my introvert tendencies for what they are. Not as a weakness or a handicap, but as a physical predisposition, same as being bipolar.