Tag: hypomania

Management

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Okay so I know I talk a lot about managing depression and hypomanic states.

But it’s not as simple as that. And I think it’s my fault that some people get it wrong.

For a start, you can’t “manage” depression.

It’s not a god-damn stock portfolio.

It’s not like I’m investing heavily in “sadness” or “nihilistic statements” instead of “rainbows” and “smiling”.

Instead, I’m talking about the act of managing responses.

Taking time to deliberately examine the drivers behind actions you take. See if they factually help the situation. Getting mindful. Looking at emotions as inputs that inform responses, and not states that demand action.

That’s what “management” means here.

Also if anyone know how to invest in rainbows I’m listening.

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The Itch

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I’m sitting in my parents kitchen, drinking tea from an unfamiliar mug.

It’s comfortable, yet strange to be here.

And that’s why I came back.

I wanted distance. Perspective. A new view of the life I have built.

Because The Itch is back

I know it as a feeling of discontent.

I’m itching for change.

Clenched teeth, stiff neck, curled fists. The need to lash out and make make something – anything – happen.

It’s a form of hypomania.

Not the fast, happy, isn’t-life-amazing high you might think of.

Instead, I have a real sense of disconnect.

I’m moving too fast, wanting too much. Or more accurately, I want things at the right speed – but the universe is slow in making things happen.

That’s why I’m here.

I’m showing myself how much things have changed.

I’m examining the speed of my own progress. Trying to remind myself that fast doesn’t mean durable, desirable or great. And most importantly fast isn’t permanent.

Fast is just fast.

This does little to soothe the itch.

But it does mean I’m less likely to act without thinking things through.

No Filter

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I feel everything.

I’m operating without a filter. There’s
no time to stop and think. Events are moving too slowly. And while I
feel all the things, the overriding sense is one of urgency.

I must make things happen. I have so much energy. I can’t waste time on being nice, reasonable, a “good” person.

And the people around me suffer because I can’t stop to consider how I’m impacting their lives.

How can I handle so much energy?

I make lists. I write down everything that needs doing, and everything I want to do.

Then
I cut it down. Which ones matter? Which ones are feasible? Which ones
are going to have an awesome impact? Which ones will I regret not doing?

What does this do?

Culling the list forces me to concentrate on what matters. The list becomes an external filter.

Yes, I can still feel everything, but I can choose what to focus on.

And yes, the urgency is still there, but now it’s focused. Useful. Like a blowtorch rather than a firecracker. Directed.

With
my list in hand, I can get to grips with making things happen. I’m less
distracted. More accurate. And less likely to lash out in frustration.

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Superpowers

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I got bitten on the leg helping locals break up a dog fight.

I scraped my knuckles and grazed my chin trying to “persuade” a tourist that the object of his affection was not interested.
I got my heart broken waiting for the cutie with a pixie cut to leave with me, only to see her head off with someone else.

But I know what my problem is. I think I’m exceptional. As in, somehow the rules don’t apply to me.

Like I have some motive force that drives me on, tells me I’m special, that I can, should, need to do the thing.

Stand up straight, look death and dismay in the eye, don’t blink. I’ll be fine. I have superpowers.

But I don’t. It’s just hypomania.

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Climate Prep

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I have heard a theory about  cultures that  develop in extreme climates. The theory goes that severe conditions requires careful preparation to survive. The local communities develop routines that work around the local environmental conditions. Like collecting food and fuel to last out frozen months. Or hauling water vast distances in the gray of early morning to avoid dehydration during the furnace of mid-day.

The interesting point for me is the way the people pay attention to the signs and signals in the weather. They see a cloud on the horizon, or notice a hint of change in the air, and they respond accordingly. They have learned that to ignore the warning signs is to chance an extremely uncomfortable (and potentially short) existence.

This matters because my moods are like the weather in many ways:

  • they are outside my direct control
  • their arrival is preceded by certain signs
  • they’re impacts can be mitigated by intelligent preparation
  • the consequences of ignoring them can be devastating

For example, if i notice a certain numbness to my thoughts – like I haven’t slept enough and my brain feels sluggish – that’s a good indication of a depressive episode. OR if I get excited at the prospect of something menial – and the excitement doesn’t fade, or seems to cross into every thought – then there’s a good percentage on it being a precursor to a hypomanic episode.

Unfortunately, there are strong temptations to ignore these signs. I might try to brush of a numb sensation as a result of working too hard, or a strong flutter as a normal response to exciting news. Because the truth is I don’t want to have to face the tough times ahead. I don’t want to stockpile provisions. I don’t want to avoid the outdoors.

Additionally, other people can’t see the weather. It’s not real for them. And I don’t want to look dumb in front of my friends by throwing on a heavy jacket indoors, or chugging ice-water when everyone else is sipping hot chocolates.

But this is dumb. It’s like standing in the snow without clothes because you don’t believe in blizzards. The weather exists whether you believe in it or not.

Besides, I’m not doing this preparation for them. I’m doing it for me.

Guilt vs Shame

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I don’t feel guilt when I’m depressed.

Guilt is knowledge. Guilt is a deliberate, conditioned response to a deliberate, considered action. If I steal the last cookie from the pack, I feel guilty, because I know that’s a dick move. Society has taught me this is wrong, and so when I do wrong, then I become guilty. It’s just information.

Shame is a state of being. It is an emotional state of crushing force. Shame shuts down my ability to do even the most basic things. It diminishes my sense of honour, worth, and self esteem. Anything that removes or diminishes these ideal is shameful, and thus I feel ashamed. It’s a feeling of diminished possibilities.

Here’s the rub. I can do a thing that makes me guilty but not ashamed. If I sleep with someone and don’t call them back, that makes me guilty of being a crappy lover (or a great one-night stand, your choice). I may experience guilt because it’s not what you’re “meant“to do, but I don’t feel shame, because it’s not a shameful thing.

On the flip side, if I’m late to meet with friends, I feel shame, because my mental state tells me that I’m a horrible human being for not respecting their time. It’s my sense of self that gets judged, not just the action. I’m not guilty per se, because it was not deliberate.  Besides, they were late anyway and forgave my trespass.

That’s what friends are for, right?

But depression doesn’t let me see this distinction. It robs me of the insight into the difference between an external judgement and an internal state. Guilt becomes shame. Shame then creates more shame, because it stops me from doing. And because I can’t do, I feel more shame – and so the cycle starts.

However, you can stop the cycle before it begins.

Firstly remember that everything that happens to you is not your fault. You did not cause it. You do not control how the world works. You can only ever choose how to react to it.

And secondly, remember that depression, bipolar – and mental health issues in general – impact your ability to react. In the same way as an external force acting on your body. You can’t choose how to feel. And that counts as an external force.

Remember: guilt relates to deliberate choices and is determined mainly by society, while shame is an internal judgement. Bipolar and associated conditions are not a choice, nor are they internal judgements. They are things that are happening to you.

So they can’t be given the label of either guilt or shame.

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Spinning Top

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You remember those toys you see in old photos or drawings of Ye Olde Time Toyye Shoppe? A round wooden top, with bright painted bands that blur together when the top is spun?

Done right, it looks like the toy is an amazing new super-colour – all light and shiny with a smooth surface that holds the eye.

Hypomania can be like that. My different facets, all the parts of me blur and blend together to make some new, shiny, impenetrable character. My thoughts and focus move so fast its impossible to keep them straight- so I don’t.

Instead, I run with it. I try to make a smooth visage out of what is really a fast-moving cascade of ideas – hoping that I can stay on top of it for as long as possible. I get work done – i Make a lot of lists, and try to as many things off as I can before I start to wobble.

But inevitably, I lose momentum. The friction of the real world breaks the spin and the spectrum becomes separate. And just like that, the smooth veneer get exposed for what it really is – a rough coat of paint that does the job most days.

Party vs Hangover

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Honesty time: I have done many things in my short life. Learned lots, and also made many mistakes. But the one I make over and over is this – I party too hard and die the next day.

As a bipolar ii/cyclothymic (depending on the doctor you ask) I cycle relatively fast. Not all-seasons-in-one-day kinda fast. But fast enough that it’s like getting drunk and sobering up waaaay too quickly.

You know what I mean, right? The booze is flowing and you’re full of ideas! Making friends! Taking shots! Solving all the world’s problems with your new friends! Hey friends! Lets all GO TO INDIA AND START A BUSINESS THAT HELPS PEOPLE END POVERTY FOREVER

Maybe some of these ideas stick. Maybe they even work out. And Maybe the friends remain friends – it happens! And these are good things.

But then I go too fast and too hard and nothing is good enough or happening fast enough. No one can keep up and I’m just a burning mass through everyone’s crap complaints about being “too tired” or that I’m “being weird” or “not fun” or “aggressive”.

And then, the next day, it all comes crashing down. I realise I am moral trash, the human equivalent of a used moist towelette. And I can’t complain – it’s my own fault. Everything, every single thing in my life, is crap, and it’s crap because of me. Nothing is good, and I just want to die in my bed with nobody noticing my passing.

Now, I don’t know if this will work, but I have an idea. In the party/hangover scenario, the pain the next day is dependent largely on my own dumb-assery the previous evening.Drink too much, dance too hard, and my body suffers.If I take it easy on the partying, I suffer less, right?

So if I’m able to reign in my hypomanic displays, maybe I will feel not-as-shit in the depressive stage?

Maybe there’s a chemical deficit? Like my brain uses up all my feel-good chemicals when hypo, leaving me with nothing but the bad stuff the next day?

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QUESTION TIME

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ANONYMOUS ASKED:
hi! so im currently dating someone who (most likely) has cyclothemia, and i love her so much and i just wish i knew what i could do when shes having one of her irritable/depressive stages…. especially when she’s lashing out at me, because im never sure how to respond in a way that won’t set her off more. any advice you could give me would be hugely appreciated!! 🙂

So, first up, I’m not a doctor and I’m not a relationship therapist. I don’t know you guys or your situation. Also, it’s completely possible that any advice I offer will be off-target and may blow up in your face – I can only talk about what works for me. So I want you to take what I say in that spirit, and hopefully you can cherry-pick the parts that work for you.

Ready? Here we go.

Depression and irritability make it hard for me to do. For me, they cloud out possibilities – from my future as a professional, to the chances of starting a family, right down to the possibility of getting up to make toast. It all becomes too hard, too annoying, too ugh. Like standing in the middle of a desert – any direction you choose is the wrong one.

Because of this, it’s easy for depressed-me or aggressive-me to enter a shame spiral when interacting with the world. As an example, if I turn down an invitation to a party (for me a wise decision because I will be horrible company) I won’t think about how this is an intelligent and rational decision – instead my brain will focus on how I am a horrible human being for being so negative and avoiding people.

Does this make sense so far? Good.

Now, the tricky bit – how to deal as the non-bipolaroid:

  • Show them it’s about liking them, not about helping – depressive-me cannot accept help because it makes me feel worthless, and aggressive-me hates the idea of other people thinking I need help. But I can still accept that people want to hang out with me – because then it’s not about me needing assistance, it’s about them enjoying themselves, and I’m just, like, there. I can live with that.
  • Work with their capacity – appeal to the parts of their personality that are not under attack. If they’re not hungry, don’t invite them out for a meal, but if they’re okay watching cartoons on their laptop maybe offer a binge LoTR session or whatever. Build on their strengths.
  • Keep it simple – understand that the person does not have full access to their emotional range, and will neither be able to instigate activities nor accept vague invitations. So instead broadly stating your intent (“I’m here to help, what you wanna do?”) offer a specific, pleasure-based invitation (“pizza and Netflix for the afternoon?”) as these are much easier to digest and accept.
  • Respect their space – if I turn down every invitation for a week , it’s because I just don’t have the capacity to deal. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad – I don’t have the energy to do that. I’m just trying to get by. So blowing up about how we “never see each other” doesn’t help. Instead, my friends just accept that there’s no energy, and understand that I will reach out again when I’m a bit more stable, apologise for my distant behaviour, and try to engage socially once more.

I hope that helps you, guy! Thanks for reaching out!