[Naming the ups and downs of bipolar, one feel at a time]
This is a post to remind you and me that hypomania ain’t always a good time.
In the space of two weeks I have racked up over $500 in traffic fines, bought there pairs of headphones, yelled at everyone I love, and have come seconds away from being unemployed.
All because things weren’t moving fast enough for my brain.
I’m lucky enough to be in a position where these (stupid, shortsighted) impulses will not affect me in the long term. But it’s a reminder.
It’s time to slow down.
Managing relationships is hard.
As an adult, as someone experienced with relationships, I’d like to think I know what I’m doing.
But there’s always a curve ball.
And sometimes, you just run out of luck. And a relationship you felt connected to – that you depended on – ends.
So what do you do when a relationship dissolves?
First, look after you.
There’s gonna be the five or seven stages of grief or whatever. And then there’s all the jealousy and upsets over things not done.
The missed opportunities, the things left unsaid.
Well, you take all that crap, and you shovel on some mental health issues over the top and what do you get?
A potentially Very Bad Time.
Which is why you’ve got to get yourself good.
And I don’t mean rushing things. No jumping back into dating or hitting on strangers or indulging in stuff you know is unhelpful or burning their effigy or whatever.
I mean the basics.
Eat good food. Do a damn workout. Sleep as much as you need. Make sure your body is looked after.
Then move up a step. Tell the people who need to know. Inform your safety net. Keep people in the loop. So if you do end up going sideways, you’ve got support.
Then and only then can you get to work on NOT ACTING OUT YOUR REVENGE FANTASIES BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS SUPER ILLEGAL
There are times when life throws everything you need at your feet.
Birds sing your praises. The sun warms your back, and a gentle breeze keeps you cool under the toughest circumstances.
Then sometimes life throws you a shit sandwich.
Neurotypical people get these days as well, of course.
Shit luck and unfortunate circumstances aren’t unique to those of us with mental illnesses.
But what makes it so damnably difficult to get over these pieces is this sense of unfairness.
The sense of HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.
I’m already tired.
I’ve been managing my reactions.
Not upsetting myself or those around me.
And now THIS?
Whatever “this” is, it’s not your fault.
Your anger at “this” is reasonable. Especially given the work you’ve already done looking after yourself.
Be kind. Swear a little. Maybe punch a balloon or something.
Hi anon!
Bipolarity cones in many flavours.
Bipolar I tends to involve actual manic episodes. These can include full-on delusions, hallucinations, and breaks with reality. Some people believe they are touched by a deity, or have superpowers. Sleep may not be possible.
Bipolar II is characterized by hypo-mania. The “high” phase expresses itself in feelings of confidence, energy, and racing thoughts. But without the disconnect. So I may feel I’m super good looking, or more capable than I am. But I don’t experience the belief that I am genuinely more than I am. Sleep may be hard to acquire or short in duration.
Cyclothymia delivers high phases that can be intense, but short-lived. They can also be quite spread out in occurrence. So while the sleep may not be good quality – or even possible – sleepless nights are less frequent.
And there’s no real boundary between these? It’s all experiential and your symptoms define the treatment. But it’s not to say that you can’t experience a mix of intensities. You can feel intense lows that would otherwise be categorized as Bipolar I but only experience a brief spurt of confidence/energy/anger similar to Cyclothymia.
Your labels matter because they help you put symptoms in a box. But what matters more is the quality of life you are able to experience around them.
If you are bipolar and don’t experience crazy highs, that’s okay! If you feel energetic AF but can still get a full eight hours a night, great! In my thoroughly un-medical view, if it doesn’t impact negatively on your quality of life, then you don’t need to take steps to fix it.
So anon, rest well when you can!
people with addictive personality and historic of addiction (like on cigarettes, alcohol and drugs) are more probable of having Bipolar, or is it the Bipolar that kinda are prone to addictive behavior?
That’s a tough call, anon.
Compulsive behaviour is part of my bipolar experience.
I know I feel a need for nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, and sex when I’m experiencing a high or a low phase.
It’s almost like a displacement activity.
Instead of “I’m sad and I don’t know why” it becomes “I’m sad because I drank too much” or “my heart is racing for no damn reason” it’s “my heart is racing because I smashed three espressos”.
I feel that addiction has less to do with repeated exposure and more to do with a sense of emptiness, or a lack of connection.
Being bipolar gives me both compulsion and emptiness on a regular basis.
So I live clean.
I’m as close to straight edge as I ever want to get, and I like it like this.
During ‘manic phase, is sleep affected? Is irritability there ?
Manic and hypomanic phases can include a reduced need to sleep and increased irritability. It’s not all high all the time. But experiencing these does not necessarily indicate a manic or hypomanic state.
A “straw man arguement” is an informal fallacy based on giving the impression of
refuting an opponent’s argument, while refuting an argument that was not
presented by that opponent.
It’s a petty political tactic, but I have learned something valuable from it.
You know those intrusive, shitty thoughts that just kinda ruin your day? Usually when depressive, but sometimes when hypomanic or experiencing anxiety or paranoia.
These invasive, unhelpful comments are illogical, but also hard to attack.
So I don’t attack them.
Instead, I pretend
they’re from the kinda person I wouldn’t ever listen to ever in real life.
Someone who is just ugh and is so obviously in the wrong they cannot defend themselves.
Some examples:
how’s the marriage going?”
Framing these thoughts in this way allows me to externalise their impact. It reminds me that these thoughts are happening to me, rather than being an experience I have chosen.
Who are your strawmen?
When I am depressed:
comfortable clothing is IN
also blankets
and naps
and pizza
and delicious coffee that makes your heart move
black humor that will leave you chuckling
reading YA and avoiding social media
music 24/7
When I am hypomanic:
all of the things (hiking??)
affection like you read about
I will build your confidence like it’s my business
much sex (waaaaay much)
again with the coffee
and the music
and black humour
and also really bad dancing (I hope you like karate moves?)
When I am neither up nor down:
I’m just a regular person like you
except sometimes my moods don’t match my circumstances
I am well aware of this
I research and practice healthy coping mechanisms
you are not responsible for my wellbeing
I will not ask you to be responsible for my wellbeing
If you are okay with me putting my mental health first we will have a great time
+++++
Hi Anon, thanks for writing!
Hypomania isn’t all positive all the time.
Hypomania, like depression, is a mixed bag of sensations.
My experiences with hypomania include increased energy levels,
creativity, sensations of increased strength, and a “there’s no WAY I
CAN POSSIBLY FAIL” worldview.
It lets me get stuff done, while feeling amazing. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t grateful for these experiences.
But sometimes I don’t get the good bits.
I just get the crap bits.
These can include feeling uncomfortably energetic, being irritable at everything, experiencing unrealistic expectations,
and sensations of paranoia.
Like “I am uncomfortable and they KNOW I’m uncomfortable and that makes me MORE UNCOMFORTABLE”.
It’s like experiencing a paranoid panic attack except I feel that I can punch through mountains.
Which I can’t. So I go home and play video games.
I hope this helps!
Sitting in a coffee shop. Trying to do some basic work.
Using my giant headphones
to ignore the basic conversation about how DudeName’s cousin shtupped What’s-A-Face’s little sibling.
I’m just trying to focus on the basics. Get the job done. Drink the cappuccino. Get paid. Go home.
And it all starts to go a bit peculiar.
First it’s the heart rate. My pulse goes up and I feel a bit edgy.
Palms go a bit sweaty.
DudeName drones on.
I can’t help but fixate on the conversation. Have you ever heard an annoying voice talking about a meaningless topic, yet get very engaged?
Stop it. Turn up the music. Type faster.
Then its the certainty that someone is staring at me. I stare at each group in turn, trying to figure out who’s eyeballing me.
Nope. Just focus on the basics.
Drink coffee. Ignore What’s-A-Face. Music. Work.
But now it feels like DudeName’s and What’s-A-Face’s voices are filling my world. I want to cry with the amount of apathy I have for their damn story.
Get the stuff done. Go home.
I just want to go home.
But instead I sit there like a fool.
In my head, if I pack up, pay for the bill and get out of here, then everyone will know. The unsettled hypomania wins.
And everyone will know.
And that’s the worst thing.
Or is it?
Here’s my three-step process for dealing with the Basic Breakdown.
Be kind and look after yourself.
If you can’t work in public, for whatever reason, then don’t.
Give yourself a break.
Pick something you know you can do.
And just let it pass.
+++++