I don’t feel guilt when I’m depressed.
Guilt is knowledge. Guilt is a deliberate, conditioned response to a deliberate, considered action. If I steal the last cookie from the pack, I feel guilty, because I know that’s a dick move. Society has taught me this is wrong, and so when I do wrong, then I become guilty. It’s just information.
Shame is a state of being. It is an emotional state of crushing force. Shame shuts down my ability to do even the most basic things. It diminishes my sense of honour, worth, and self esteem. Anything that removes or diminishes these ideal is shameful, and thus I feel ashamed. It’s a feeling of diminished possibilities.
Here’s the rub. I can do a thing that makes me guilty but not ashamed. If I sleep with someone and don’t call them back, that makes me guilty of being a crappy lover (or a great one-night stand, your choice). I may experience guilt because it’s not what you’re “meant“to do, but I don’t feel shame, because it’s not a shameful thing.
On the flip side, if I’m late to meet with friends, I feel shame, because my mental state tells me that I’m a horrible human being for not respecting their time. It’s my sense of self that gets judged, not just the action. I’m not guilty per se, because it was not deliberate. Besides, they were late anyway and forgave my trespass.
That’s what friends are for, right?
But depression doesn’t let me see this distinction. It robs me of the insight into the difference between an external judgement and an internal state. Guilt becomes shame. Shame then creates more shame, because it stops me from doing. And because I can’t do, I feel more shame – and so the cycle starts.
However, you can stop the cycle before it begins.
Firstly remember that everything that happens to you is not your fault. You did not cause it. You do not control how the world works. You can only ever choose how to react to it.
And secondly, remember that depression, bipolar – and mental health issues in general – impact your ability to react. In the same way as an external force acting on your body. You can’t choose how to feel. And that counts as an external force.
Remember: guilt relates to deliberate choices and is determined mainly by society, while shame is an internal judgement. Bipolar and associated conditions are not a choice, nor are they internal judgements. They are things that are happening to you.
So they can’t be given the label of either guilt or shame.
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