Tag: depressive

Reasons You Should Date Me

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When I am depressed:

  • we can catch up on all the TV shows

  • comfortable clothing is IN

  • also blankets

  • and naps

  • and pizza

  • and delicious coffee that makes your heart move

  • black humor that will leave you chuckling

  • reading YA and avoiding social media

  • music 24/7

When I am hypomanic:

  • I will make things happen

  • all of the things (hiking??)

  • affection like you read about

  • I will build your confidence like it’s my business

  • much sex (waaaaay much)

  • again with the coffee

  • and the music

  • and black humour

  • and also really bad dancing (I hope you like karate moves?)

When I am neither up nor down:

  • I’m just a regular person like you

  • except sometimes my moods don’t match my circumstances

  • I am well aware of this 

  • I research and practice healthy coping mechanisms

  • actually the black humour is just me I guess?

  • you are not responsible for my wellbeing

  • I will not ask you to be responsible for my wellbeing

  • If you are okay with me putting my mental health first we will have a great time

+++++

[shirt]

With A Fork

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“Dude, just relax!”

This one guy says this to me on a regular basis.

And each time I hear it, I grip my utensils just a little bit tighter.

We’re just sitting around eating a meal.

No big topics. No controversial music choices. Just food in face.

We’re talking about something mundane – laundry, maybe – when I remember I have a thing related to the laundry – some socks that need to go in the wash?

SO I softly swear and make a mental note to do so after the meal.

The dude notices and with a big, shit-eating grin, tells me to “just relax, bro!”.

I say nothing.

And it happens again

And that time, that one time, that’s it.

I’ve had enough.

I blow up at him.

I yell about how telling someone with anxiety to “relax” is like telling a drowning man to stop drowning. From the safety of their private yacht.

It’s insulting and upsetting and I think I’ve used this phrase before?

And he says hey it’s cool, I had depression in high school. I know what it’s like.

And I say hey, I don’t care, stop telling me to calm down.

Stop telling me to relax, chill, take it easy.

I can’t. This ain’t a choice.

And if you tell me that you’ve had depression and you know what it’s like and you still have the nerve to tell me to not feel how I feel, then I will stab you with my fork.

And we eat the rest of the meal in silence.

Later, we have a chat about bipolarity and the meaning of a “chronic illness”. And he apologises. His experience with depression was one of a battle, something to win. Not something to manage and endure. He didn’t know.

“Sorry bro.”

It’s okay hombre.

We all got our stuff.

And I’m sorry I threatened you with cutlery.

+++++

[shirt]

Management

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Okay so I know I talk a lot about managing depression and hypomanic states.

But it’s not as simple as that. And I think it’s my fault that some people get it wrong.

For a start, you can’t “manage” depression.

It’s not a god-damn stock portfolio.

It’s not like I’m investing heavily in “sadness” or “nihilistic statements” instead of “rainbows” and “smiling”.

Instead, I’m talking about the act of managing responses.

Taking time to deliberately examine the drivers behind actions you take. See if they factually help the situation. Getting mindful. Looking at emotions as inputs that inform responses, and not states that demand action.

That’s what “management” means here.

Also if anyone know how to invest in rainbows I’m listening.

+++++

[shirt]

Normal Operating Procedures

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Here’s the one big poopy thing about depression.

It stops normal operations.

  • You know you can do things. You’ve done them in the past.
  • You know you will do things. It’s built into you, and you will do them in the future.
  • You know you want to do things now. But you just don’t have the juice.

Depression overrides the normal operating procedures.

The condition (and it is a condition – it’s happening to you) resets the bar for getting things done.

And not just physical activities. Mental, personal and emotional activities.

How can you get through this stage?

Flip the script.

  1. Before, you wanted to be okay, but you still feel awful.
  2. After, you’ll be okay, but for now you goveyourself permission to feel poopy.

Does this make sense?

Let’s run through some more.

  1. Before, you know that doing something (anything!) would make you feel better, but you don’t know how to start
  2. After, you accept there’s not much “start”, so the idea of doing – while nice – is put aside for later.

Get it?

  1. You feel unloved. People do love you. You can’t feel it.
  2. That’s okay. Give yourself permission to feel that.
  1. You try to get well, but feel like your doomed to fail.
  2. That’s okay. Give yourself permission to feel that too.

By giving permission for these feeling to exist, you take control of what’s normal for you.

And there’s power in that.

Even if all you do with that power is give yourself permission to get better while covered in blankets. That is also okay. It is your choice how to operate until conditions improve.

+++++

[shirt]

Affliction

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Caught in the crushing grips of a depressive episode, one thought haunts me above the rest. I am a burden on those around me, and the more I struggle, the more they are contaminated.

Look at how the look at me with pity in their eyes, regret and resignation just beneath the surface. They know I am nothing more than a fake, diseased excuse for a human being. They have read my file somehow, they know my disease, and they know I know it as well.

They put up with me the way they’d put up with a pimple on a strangers face—a disease that everyone’s too polite to make into a thing, but everyone would wish would just go away.

Free Shrugs

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Look, I’m fresh outta fucks to give. No, it’s not you or the thing we’re talking about. It’s just that – well, let me put it like this. I can’t see a future right now. Like,any future, good or bad. I can’t plan anything beyond the next five minutes. So I can’t really take in what you’re saying. Instead I’m just gonna shrug and hope I go back to normal real quick. That’s the plan.

Staring At The Wall

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This isn’t a case of feeling sad. This isn’t sadness at all. Not melancholia, nor despair—it’s an absence of feels.

I get why you’d think that. There’s no smiles or laughing. Interaction is at a minimum. From the outside, it looks like sadness, or perhaps regret. There’s a lot of sighing.

But it’s just blankness. Nothing registers. Not much you can do about it now. Just gotta get through it. Wait for the brain chemicals to come back, wait for things to start functioning again.

But how am I gonna do that? I can’t really talk to people. Not like this. Can’t read. TV is too hard. Even video games are pushing it.

Nope. There’s only one way forward.

I’m gonna sit very still and stare the hell out of some walls, ya’ll.