Tag: depression

The Fallback Plan

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So I started a job that was a little ambitious.

It required time, dedication, focus, direction and consistency. All things that my mental illness likes to fuck with.

On starting the role, I had the thought: “well, if this doesn’t work out, what’s my option b?”

As I write this, I’m no longer in that role.

And when it ended, my brain went: “guess what? you need that option b.”

I didn’t have one.

And so the black dog reared its head. And as it loped forward I saw the option it presented in its eyes.

Emptiness. The unending dark.

And it looked good.

I have seen the signs and I am taking action.

It’s time to see a medical professional. Again.

It’s Been A While

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Like all relationships, my interactions with my mental health have their ups and downs.

Sometimes we don’t talk to each other for months and then we get back together and it’s like my illness never left.

Sometimes it never leaves, and I never speak.

That’s what’s been happening for the past few months.

I crashed. Not hard. I mean, not harder than I’ve crashed before, but I crashed nonetheless. And instead of trying to force myself up, I’ve stayed down.

Eating the same food. watching the same shows. Seeing the same people.

It’s been a while since I did anything or felt useful.

But this time, I’ve taken it slow.

It feels like I’ve wasted months of my life.

But it’s all still here, waiting.

Addictive Personalities

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people with addictive personality and historic of addiction (like on cigarettes, alcohol and drugs) are more probable of having Bipolar, or is it the Bipolar that kinda are prone to addictive behavior?

That’s a tough call, anon.

Compulsive behaviour is part of my bipolar experience.

I know I feel a need for nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, and sex when I’m experiencing a high or a low phase.

It’s almost like a displacement activity.

Instead of “I’m sad and I don’t know why” it becomes “I’m sad because I drank too much” or “my heart is racing for no damn reason” it’s “my heart is racing because I smashed three espressos”.

I feel that addiction has less to do with repeated exposure and more to do with a sense of emptiness, or a lack of connection.

Being bipolar gives me both compulsion and emptiness on a regular basis.

So I live clean.

I’m as close to straight edge as I ever want to get, and I like it like this.

Anon Asks

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Hi! I have a question regarding bipolar disorder.
My partner has been diagnosed with depression for years now but the antidepressants don’t really help them, and recently I’ve mentioned that it might be bipolar disorder. They mentioned that they did have an older relative who did have bipolar so there is that familial connection there. So now they think they have bipolar as well but hasn’t gone in to get it diagnosed yet. Their depressive states are usually pretty bad though (what I think would be considered their more manic state isn’t really that what I guess is stereotypical hypomania and all? They just seems a lot happier and more productive and all). It just seems like bipolar bc of the sudden changes tho imo, because they’ll be fine for a few days then fall into a depression slum for weeks. I guess I really want to ask if there’s something that is helpful that I can do when they’re depressed? I do my best to be supportive and help however I can but sometimes their actions have me scared and worried and I just wasn’t sure if you had any advice?

I really hope you have a nice day too btw!

Hi anon!

The tricky thing with mental health, as you’ve experienced, is that there is very little you can do without a diagnosis.

And depression can come from a number of different sources, with bipolar being just one. The important thing is to focus on the management of symptoms. So let’s put the idea of it being bipolarity aside and instead focus on the effectiveness of their current management.

Without knowing them, and just going on what you have described, it sounds like this could be unipolar depression.

I say this because with bipolarity, the problem with antidepressants is that they work a little too well. They send people off into hypomanic or manic episodes. With unipolar depression, the episodes can happen suddenly and without cause – one day you wake up and just everything is flat and flavourless, sometimes for months.

To get to the bottom of it, your partner needs professional medical assistance. If their meds aren’t working well, it could be due to a range of factors. Talking very generally (I’m not a doctor, after all) some meds work by building up a certain level of chemicals in the brain by blocking their reabsorbtion, other by slowing their production. These ones take time to deliver results. Other meds, people can build up a resistance to them over time, so the dosage needs changing, or a prescription needs altering. If their depression has a base in experience and/or circumstances, then there is a chance that talking therapies and CBT or mindfulness exercises may be useful in giving them a degree of control. Again, medical professionals need to do the heavy lifting on this to figure out the best way forward.

Now the big question – what can you do about it?

Nothing.

Not directly. When it comes to a partner’s mental health, you’re firmly in the passenger seat. Riding shotgun. You’re along for the ride, but you’re not in control.

This isn’t always easy to keep in mind, but the fact is that it’s not your mind. There is no way that you can experience what they are experiencing, and very little that you can do to influence it.

With mental health, Rule #1 is to always look after number one. And that applies to you too.

The best thing you can do is to be your best self. Like you would in any relationship. Perhaps the most helpful suggestion I have is to avoid the logic-trap of “well I did these things so I helped and now you are better … wait why aren’t you better?” I have seen this in action, and it destroys marriages, jobs, relationships of all kinds.

Trust in Rule #1.

Do what you can, when you can. Place no expectations on them and keep none on yourself. Provide support where it’s needed and welcomed. Hold space when they (or you!) needs distance.

What form these actions take is up to you two – you need to work out what it looks like together.

I hope this helps!

Finding your straw man

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A “straw man arguement” is an informal fallacy based on giving the impression of
refuting an opponent’s argument, while refuting an argument that was not
presented by that opponent.

It’s a petty political tactic, but I have learned something valuable from it.

You know those intrusive, shitty thoughts that just kinda ruin your day? Usually when depressive, but sometimes when hypomanic or experiencing anxiety or paranoia.

These invasive, unhelpful comments are illogical, but also hard to attack.

So I don’t attack them.

Instead, I pretend
they’re from the kinda person I wouldn’t ever listen to ever in real life.

Someone who is just ugh and is so obviously in the wrong they cannot defend themselves.


Some examples:

  • “Your ex cheated because you’re crap in bed.”
    • Says the fedora-wearing gamergate teen
      L0rdThund3rC0ck69.
      • “Timothy, does your mum know you’re up?”
  • “You’re selfish and have never done anything meaningful with your life.”
    • Says the uptight religious housewife who voted against marriage equality.
      • “Thanks
        Gladys,

        how’s the marriage going?”

  • “Everyone secretly wants you to disappear.”
    • Says the mean person at a house party who no one talks to and now you know why.
      • “Please fuck off, Krystal-with-a-K.”

Framing these thoughts in this way allows me to externalise their impact. It reminds me that these thoughts are happening to me, rather than being an experience I have chosen.

Who are your strawmen?

Reasons You Should Date Me

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When I am depressed:

  • we can catch up on all the TV shows

  • comfortable clothing is IN

  • also blankets

  • and naps

  • and pizza

  • and delicious coffee that makes your heart move

  • black humor that will leave you chuckling

  • reading YA and avoiding social media

  • music 24/7

When I am hypomanic:

  • I will make things happen

  • all of the things (hiking??)

  • affection like you read about

  • I will build your confidence like it’s my business

  • much sex (waaaaay much)

  • again with the coffee

  • and the music

  • and black humour

  • and also really bad dancing (I hope you like karate moves?)

When I am neither up nor down:

  • I’m just a regular person like you

  • except sometimes my moods don’t match my circumstances

  • I am well aware of this 

  • I research and practice healthy coping mechanisms

  • actually the black humour is just me I guess?

  • you are not responsible for my wellbeing

  • I will not ask you to be responsible for my wellbeing

  • If you are okay with me putting my mental health first we will have a great time

+++++

[shirt]

With A Fork

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“Dude, just relax!”

This one guy says this to me on a regular basis.

And each time I hear it, I grip my utensils just a little bit tighter.

We’re just sitting around eating a meal.

No big topics. No controversial music choices. Just food in face.

We’re talking about something mundane – laundry, maybe – when I remember I have a thing related to the laundry – some socks that need to go in the wash?

SO I softly swear and make a mental note to do so after the meal.

The dude notices and with a big, shit-eating grin, tells me to “just relax, bro!”.

I say nothing.

And it happens again

And that time, that one time, that’s it.

I’ve had enough.

I blow up at him.

I yell about how telling someone with anxiety to “relax” is like telling a drowning man to stop drowning. From the safety of their private yacht.

It’s insulting and upsetting and I think I’ve used this phrase before?

And he says hey it’s cool, I had depression in high school. I know what it’s like.

And I say hey, I don’t care, stop telling me to calm down.

Stop telling me to relax, chill, take it easy.

I can’t. This ain’t a choice.

And if you tell me that you’ve had depression and you know what it’s like and you still have the nerve to tell me to not feel how I feel, then I will stab you with my fork.

And we eat the rest of the meal in silence.

Later, we have a chat about bipolarity and the meaning of a “chronic illness”. And he apologises. His experience with depression was one of a battle, something to win. Not something to manage and endure. He didn’t know.

“Sorry bro.”

It’s okay hombre.

We all got our stuff.

And I’m sorry I threatened you with cutlery.

+++++

[shirt]

Management

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Okay so I know I talk a lot about managing depression and hypomanic states.

But it’s not as simple as that. And I think it’s my fault that some people get it wrong.

For a start, you can’t “manage” depression.

It’s not a god-damn stock portfolio.

It’s not like I’m investing heavily in “sadness” or “nihilistic statements” instead of “rainbows” and “smiling”.

Instead, I’m talking about the act of managing responses.

Taking time to deliberately examine the drivers behind actions you take. See if they factually help the situation. Getting mindful. Looking at emotions as inputs that inform responses, and not states that demand action.

That’s what “management” means here.

Also if anyone know how to invest in rainbows I’m listening.

+++++

[shirt]

The Island

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Not only is it a shitty movie featuring a too-good-looking Leonardo Di Caprio, It’s also a feeling of isolation.

Fewer drug dealers, for one.

The feel goes like this.

I am on an island.

It’s just large enough to survive on. Fresh water. Fruits and foods. Shelter from the weather. Places to sleep. Nothing fancy. It’s life.

But there’s nothing here to build anything with. It is existence on the most basic level.

Across the bay, what seems like meters away, is a small group of other islands. These islands have multiple people on them. I can see them laughing and sharing food and stories and generally getting on well.

They have boats and bridges and can pass onto each other’s sandy atolls with ease.

I can see them. They can see me.

The ocean between us is fast and loud and full of creatures too horrible to look at. Monsters that do unspeakable things to those that dare trespass on their territory. They hate light and noise and life. And they huddle around my island waiting for the day I am careless enough to fall in reach of their arthropodic grasp.

My island neighbours wonder why I will not join them on their islands.

I try to show them the sea and the monsters, but they can only see the placid waters on their own shores.

I try to explain the lack of resources – the scarcity of life over here. How it is base living. And how it takes all my energy to get by on a daily basis.

But we can’t quite hear each other.  They only know of their own resources. They think everyone has what it takes to brave the dark currents and build bridges and visit their neighbours.

They think that because I do not do these things, that I want to be alone.

This is not true.

I want the light and life I can see happening on the tables islands across the cafe ocean. I just can’t get there with what I have.

I need someone to bring me the materials.

I need help.

I think I’m cyclothymic, I get regular and drastic mood swings ranging from extremely energetic to blank and uncaring to sad and wanting to lay down and cry to extreme anger. My bf thinks I’m fine. Do you think I’m cyclothymic or am I being paranoid?

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

A better question might be: how are your feels
impact your experiences?

Are they affecting your quality of life? And
what are your options for dealing with them?

It took me a long
time to get my diagnosis. I was experiencing hypomanic and depressive
episodes throughout high school and beyond. I didn’t do anything about it
because I thought it was normal. I thought I was being
sensitive – that I just sucked at playing it cool.

As it
turns out, I’m very good at playing it cool. It’s why I was able to
muddle on for so long before I crashed out in a big way.

But
here’s a glowing little secret for you, Anon.

No one can tell you what
your feelings are. Same as no one can tell you that you’re hungry, or
how you experience colours.

On that note, I can tell you about my experience with Bipolar Disorder II.

My feels don’t always correlate with the real world. Yes, the
feels are real, they just don’t line up with external events in terms of
cause or range.

The
“emotional-typical”

experience goes like this: something happens -> brain feels a thing. With my condition, it’s frequently in reverse: my brain feels a
thing -> brain goes looking for a cause.

You can probably guess that I wasted a lot of energy trying to
find causes for these inspirational/critical feels. And yeah, I
hacked up a few projects and relationships as a result.

I
can also tell you about extreme emotional ranges. Joy and rage and sadness and
inspiration that are magnitudes above the standard.

Your emo-typical person might experience these feels a few times in
their life – romance, heartbreak, births, marriages, deaths.

They are less likely to experience these feels because they just happened to glanced out a window and saw a
rainbow and now nothing will ever be as beautiful. Nor are they likely to start doubting their life choices because they stubbed
their toe and life is pain because they suck as a human being.

Anon, you need information before
you can take action.

Think of it like any other medical situation. If your
arm started feeling weird, you first action shouldn’t be to reset a bone. You get a scan.

This is the same. Find out what’s
happening first, then map out your options.

Again, I can only
base suggestions on my own experiences.

  1. I scheduled a visit with a GP.
  2. The GP gave me a referral to a psychologist for depression.
  3. This
    psychologist identified my symptoms as possibly relating to a
    condition outside depression. They referred me to a psychiatrist with a
    background in bipolar disorder.
  4. This psychiatrist diagnosed my bipolarity, then helped me map out
    the facts. What I had experienced, what the impacts had been.
  5. We then
    worked on preferred outcomes, and the options available to get there.
    Baby steps, week by week.

Anon,
I encourage you to do this sooner rather than later. The sooner you have the information,
the sooner you can map out changes that will help get
your life where you want it.

What
I do NOT recommend is just blanking your feels and muddling on. It
might feel like strength, but it’s not. That’s ignorance. And Anon, you don’t do ignorant. You want facts.

So get the information that will help you look after yourself, and those around
you.

Please feel free to get in touch if there’s anything you want to clarify, and please let me know how it goes!