Tag: Cyclothymia

Symptoms

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Symptoms

If you show symptoms of your mental illness, you’re not being manipulative.

You’re communicating.

And that’s okay.

If you hide symptoms of your mental illness, you are not “faking it”.

And you are not “better” or whatever. You’re getting by the best you can. And maybe you’re thinking of others and choosing to not burden them with your problems.

And that’s okay too.

The trick is to find a balance that works for you.

Your health is #1 and you need to look after yourself first. And it’s okay to find people who value this priority and your need for balance.

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Family Matters

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ANON ASKS:

How do I explain bipolar to my little brother and other family members ?

This conversation depends on your family, and the usual caveats apply:

  • not a therapist
  • own experiences only
  • your quality of life is my number 1 concern

I’d start by explaining the heights and depths you experience.

Ask them the best they’ve felt, and the saddest. Or angriest. Or most enthusiastic. However it is that your condition affects you.

Make it relatable.

Point out how most neuro-typical people feel things as a response. A response to something happening out in the world, or a thought pattern in their head.

Then ask them to imagine feeling these things for no obvious reason.

It’s a cyclical thing, strange brain circuitry activating the feels without needing any input.

Then talk about the length and variability of these feels.

Normal brains stop pushing buttons when the input goes away. Bipolar brains can lean on the buttons till there are no chemicals left. So you feel the feel for waaay longer than normal.

And then perhaps if they can absorb all that, move on to how it might affect them.

Talk about the impact it has on your day.

And how you make changes to get by.

Talk about the fact that it’s a chronic condition.

That it will be with you always. And maybe the need for and types of management available.

Regardless of how you do it, make sure that you have an eye on the outcome that you want to achieve.

Sympathy, or maybe offers of help as a support network. Be honest about how they can help – if they can help – and make it clear that the conversation is about helping them understand.

Let’s be real here – it takes years to feel you understand it.

And even then, there’s no way of knowing if you’ve run the gamut of BP experience.

Just the other week I hit a paranoid high and that was uncomfortable. Because I’ve never had that before. And I had to figure out if it was a valid reaction to circumstances or a new symptom.

So don’t worry about getting it across to everyone 100%.

Instead, focus on making sure they’re in a position where you feel comfortable interacting with them.

That’s way more important.

Squint Harder

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Do you wear glasses?

Or know someone who does?

Congratulations, you know someone who requires medical aid to see the world in the same way as the majority of the population!

Now, as a glasses wearer, you probably get asked what it’s like to live without them.

They want to know what it’s like.

“Can you see without these?”

“Can you get through the day without relying on them?”

And the answer is maybe? I guess? I could close one eye and squint real hard and hope I don’t walk into something or miss a detail or make a mistake.

But even if I avoid these issues, it hurts my head
and people look at me funny and

so… no? I don’t think so?

Why would I avoid this certified, professionally supplied solution that lets me get by in my own way?

And people laugh and shake their heads and say they understand and how weird it’d be to make people who need glasses to get by to not wear glasses.

So my question is this – is there a way to make it clear to the world that this is also the same with professionally supervised therapy and medication?

After all, these too change how you see the world.

Scholarships

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ANON ASKS:
“Hi, what’s the right way to talk about my bipolar in a scholarship application? I don’t want to give too many details and get judged. But I think it could help my chances of getting a scholarship.”

Where I live most college and university studies are paid for by government loans. Scholarships are not that common.

However, I do know what it is like being judged for having a mental illness. And I have written a fair few applications for professional positions.

So let’s break it down.

You are in charge of who knows what.

For me, I prefer to
inform the people who need to know (bosses, partners, family members,
teachers, medical professions etc) as they are part of my safety net.

And if it comes up in conversation, then I’ll talk freely about my
experiences and answer whatever questions come up.

It is best to know what you have to disclose up
front.

If you have to list pre-existing conditions, having bipolar or a
related illness qualifies. Be sure you include it. In my mind, it would
suck more to have to pay back a scholarship than to not receive it in
the first place.

Now, your application.

You can apply for a scholarship and not mention you have
bipolar.

it doesn’t need to impact on your essay in any way.

Instead, just write to
your strengths.

You are trying to give the scholarship board both personal and professional reasons
to give you fat stacks of cash. Focus on making the scholarship board members look like
far-sighted pillars of the community. The kind that get lauded for
giving an outstanding student (you) the best possible chance of success.

Make them look good and they’ll get on
board.


You can also attempt to use the fact that you have bipolar to build your
case for a scholarship.

I would try to frame my management efforts as a
personal journey. I would talk up my accomplishments. Showcase my
ability to maintain productivity. And highlight my attempts to minimise
any interruptions to my educational progression.

It’s about proving that you are in a good place mentally.

That you have
the support you need. And that you are consistent in learning more about
and managing your condition. Do this and you might gain the attention
of a progressive scholarship committee.

That being said, I wouldn’t rely on it as the secret weapon that wins a
scholarship. Because it won’t. Instead it’s more of a secret sauce that spices up my accomplishments,
and frames my actions with relatable context.

Tea-totaling

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In some cultures, it’s seen as weird if you don’t take drugs.

My grandmother used to say that you shouldn’t trust a man who doesn’t drink beer.

A coworker would say they didn’t like working with people who drank tea instead of coffee.

Can you imagine what that would be like if we switched culturally-accepted drugs with mental health practices?

“Never trust a man who doesn’t meditate.”

“I hate working with people who don’t follow their prescribed medication regimen.”

“I’m more of a professionally-managed-medical-regimen kinda guy.”

“It’s unpatriotic to not sleep 8 hours a day, exercise regularly and eat real food.”

Can you imagine?

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It ain’t about you.

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There is one key element I’ve seen that helps relationships last when one of you has a mental illness.

It’s the same thing that helps keep neuro-normal partners together as well.

(Neruo-normal is such a fun word to say!)

It’s called understanding.

With bipolarity and cyclothymia, my episodes and depressions are rarely, if ever, about my partner. They may be involved due to circumstance, location or because they’re the only person in shouting distance/who is willing to give me a hug. But this interaction is not entirely triggered by, nor aimed entirely at, them.

This interaction, whatever it is, is more about chemicals and neural path ways in my brain lining up a certain way.

It’s me reacting to unseen stimuli.

A partner who understands this doesn’t take it personally when I cancel romantic dates last minutes because “mental health”. Or when I drink too much and try to fight their friend who keeps hugging me because he’s “too friendly” and is “ruining my vibe”.

Sorry about that.

But yeah. The key to a lasting relationship is understanding.

Taking the ego out of the equation and looking deeper at the root cause of my sometimes-painful-but-mostly-weird behaviour.

People who do that for each other are magic. And if a person is willing to do support their mental-illness-bearing partner, to look deeper and understand the mechanics – then they get to be the most magical thing of all.

They might get the chance to be a reason for someone’s recovery.

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Friday Night

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There’s something to be said for making plans about nothing.

I mean, to do nothing major.

To spend time for the sake of spending time. Without agenda or outcome.

Is it weird to spend Friday night at home, making food for yourself and then eating it yourself?

No.

Do people try to call you out on it? Or poke fun at you for being antisocial or boring?

Yes.

And they can get fucked.

With bipolar, a nothing night is helpful. It gives me the chance to operate free of goals – to do things just for me.

The actions and the outcome are the same. There are no disappointments. No goals to reach. The pressure is off and I can see which parts of my feels are appropriate to my circumstances and which ones are coming from being hyper or down.

It’s like a mini diagnosis or therapy session for myself. But all it costs is a bowl of pasta and a Netflix subscription.

I want to come off my meds to try alternative therapies but im worried about being affected by the stress from college and work. I don’t want to put my life on hold to do it tho. Any suggestions?

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Hi
msbrooks108!

Okay, it’s caveat time!

  • Not a doctor
  • Not a therapist
  • Not certified to deliver actionable advice
  • Suggestions only
    based on experience

And now the good stuff.

It’s all about quality of life.

Being bipolar means that you have a condition that directly affects your quality of life. While it’s a chronic disease that you have to manage for the rest of your life, in this aspect it is no different from any other medical condition.

It you have a broken leg, there’s the pain you have to deal with while it’s healing.
Which sucks, sure.

You also can’t do stuff you want to do. Like, uh, playing basketball? Getting up to make a sandwich? Which also sucks.

With your bipolar experience, it’s similar. You may not be able to play basketball, which sucks. And getting up to make a sandwich can be tough. And also, because of the bipolar experience, you may experience pain. Existential, but still real.

Both of these elements – the inability to do things and the pain – impact on your quality of life.

Now, let’s focus on the point of medication.

It exists to help improve your quality of life. To help you manage the pain, and enable a more normal existence, whatever that means for you.

So, why might you want to cease medication?

It might be expensive. It might cause complications, unwanted side effects. There might be a social or cultural taboo associated with the type of medication. Or you might be uncomfortable with the thought of ingesting “chemicals”.

For me, none of these reasons are invalid. They all make sense. But alone, they are not enough to make a decision to quit medication. Especially with chronic illnesses.

So let’s look at context.

You’re studying – which takes time and effort and costs money, but delivers “education” and “opportunities” and maybe “friends”.

You’re working –  which takes up time and energy, but delivers benefits like “experience” and “money”

.

You want to cease taking medication – what are the reasons for this want?

You want to try alternative therapies – what health/time/financial changes do you get from these therapies?

Then you have the wider impact.

Okay msbrooks108, here are the tougher questions. Some you can’t answer, because you don’t know the answers. And that’s important, because you have to measure how much “I don’t know” matters in your day to day.

So,
msbrooks108,

how will going off meds change your ability to work? How will it shape your approach to education? Are you in a place where you can slow down the volume of work/study in your life and focus on managing on your mental health? If it comes down to it, how do you feel about quitting your job, or cancelling your education? And how do the benefits of your preferred alternative therapies weigh up against these decisions, and their impacts?

For more context, check out this post where I answered a similar question.

Now, it’s important to note here that I’m not pro-medication or anti-medication.

I’m 100% pro-you.

I’m throwing these tough questions at you because it’s easy easy to give in to personal bias. To shape facts to get what you want. To ignore lines of inquiry because they might give you points of view you don’t want to have to consider.

Whatever you do, remember the following:

  • there are no do-overs, you’re alive here and now
  • everything is recoverable, the pendulum swings both ways
  • keep both eyes on your end goal which is having a good life.

And please, let me know what you decide and how you reached your decision!

With A Fork

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“Dude, just relax!”

This one guy says this to me on a regular basis.

And each time I hear it, I grip my utensils just a little bit tighter.

We’re just sitting around eating a meal.

No big topics. No controversial music choices. Just food in face.

We’re talking about something mundane – laundry, maybe – when I remember I have a thing related to the laundry – some socks that need to go in the wash?

SO I softly swear and make a mental note to do so after the meal.

The dude notices and with a big, shit-eating grin, tells me to “just relax, bro!”.

I say nothing.

And it happens again

And that time, that one time, that’s it.

I’ve had enough.

I blow up at him.

I yell about how telling someone with anxiety to “relax” is like telling a drowning man to stop drowning. From the safety of their private yacht.

It’s insulting and upsetting and I think I’ve used this phrase before?

And he says hey it’s cool, I had depression in high school. I know what it’s like.

And I say hey, I don’t care, stop telling me to calm down.

Stop telling me to relax, chill, take it easy.

I can’t. This ain’t a choice.

And if you tell me that you’ve had depression and you know what it’s like and you still have the nerve to tell me to not feel how I feel, then I will stab you with my fork.

And we eat the rest of the meal in silence.

Later, we have a chat about bipolarity and the meaning of a “chronic illness”. And he apologises. His experience with depression was one of a battle, something to win. Not something to manage and endure. He didn’t know.

“Sorry bro.”

It’s okay hombre.

We all got our stuff.

And I’m sorry I threatened you with cutlery.

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Dealing With Grief

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As bipolaroids, we get to deal with some pretty strong emotions.

Sometimes frequently, sometimes not.

But we’re in a position to know how to handle crap feels.

Recently, a family friend died.

And people grieved.

Some cried. Some laughed. Some had quiet talks in corners, and gave compliments on the flower arrangements.

Now, at the time I didn’t really know how to handle all this. As a child I’ve had pets die, and elderly relatives. But as an adult, I’m not used to these situations. What to say or how to act. You think there’d be a handbook or something.

Yet my approach to grief is pretty basic.

Years of managing depression have taught me the following.

If I feel the need to:

  • cry, I will cry.
  • eat, I will eat.
  • sleep, I will sleep.
  • exercise, I will crank out a set of circuit training.
  • comfort those around me, I hug the ever-loving crap out of everyone.

Together, we got through it.

And I can’t help but wonder just how much of that was due to experience. Like if managing depression – not always well, but frequently – somehow gives me insight into what to expect and how to help myself more clearly?

I have no way of knowing. But I’m glad we’re through it.