Could it be that we’re gonna hit 1,000?? My fragile heart…
Tag: Bipolaroids
700 Bipolaroids
This is nuts but I appreciate your support!
Hey, I was wondering if that post about Basic Breakdowns was specifically about cyclothymia or if it was also about bipolar ii? Because that is usually what happens to me as well, and usually im able to stop it or control it in that way too..
Hi Anon, thanks for writing!
Hypomania isn’t all positive all the time.
Hypomania, like depression, is a mixed bag of sensations.
My experiences with hypomania include increased energy levels,
creativity, sensations of increased strength, and a “there’s no WAY I
CAN POSSIBLY FAIL” worldview.
It lets me get stuff done, while feeling amazing. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t grateful for these experiences.
But sometimes I don’t get the good bits.
I just get the crap bits.
These can include feeling uncomfortably energetic, being irritable at everything, experiencing unrealistic expectations,
and sensations of paranoia.
Like “I am uncomfortable and they KNOW I’m uncomfortable and that makes me MORE UNCOMFORTABLE”.
It’s like experiencing a paranoid panic attack except I feel that I can punch through mountains.
Which I can’t. So I go home and play video games.
I hope this helps!
Basic Breakdown
Sitting in a coffee shop. Trying to do some basic work.
Using my giant headphones
to ignore the basic conversation about how DudeName’s cousin shtupped What’s-A-Face’s little sibling.
I’m just trying to focus on the basics. Get the job done. Drink the cappuccino. Get paid. Go home.
And it all starts to go a bit peculiar.
First it’s the heart rate. My pulse goes up and I feel a bit edgy.
Palms go a bit sweaty.
DudeName drones on.
I can’t help but fixate on the conversation. Have you ever heard an annoying voice talking about a meaningless topic, yet get very engaged?
Stop it. Turn up the music. Type faster.
Then its the certainty that someone is staring at me. I stare at each group in turn, trying to figure out who’s eyeballing me.
Nope. Just focus on the basics.
Drink coffee. Ignore What’s-A-Face. Music. Work.
But now it feels like DudeName’s and What’s-A-Face’s voices are filling my world. I want to cry with the amount of apathy I have for their damn story.
Get the stuff done. Go home.
I just want to go home.
But instead I sit there like a fool.
In my head, if I pack up, pay for the bill and get out of here, then everyone will know. The unsettled hypomania wins.
And everyone will know.
And that’s the worst thing.
Or is it?
Here’s my three-step process for dealing with the Basic Breakdown.
- Imagine that all these other people are on their own islands. They have their own things going on. Any looks in my direction are circumstantial. They’re just glancing at the horizon.
- Stop drinking coffee. Like, right now. Yes I know I paid good money for it, but it feels like caffeine can trigger or extend my hypomanic symptoms. So I give myself permission to not finish the cup/pot/barrel.
- Save my work, pack up and go home. Work to your strengths when you can. And when your strength is failing, stop lifting.
Be kind and look after yourself.
If you can’t work in public, for whatever reason, then don’t.
Give yourself a break.
Pick something you know you can do.
- Watch Netflix on your phone.
- Read some comics.
- Eat pizza with your hands and a paper towel.
And just let it pass.
+++++
Pain & Art
I had a conversation with a well-meaning acquaintance recently. This
well-meaning person went out of their way to point out that I should be
optimistic. Because as a bipolar person, I had a list of productive
creative pursuits I could follow using my illness “as an advantage”.
And it’s taken a while to get to the point where I can look at that behaviour and say, no.
Not cool.
First up, mental illness is not an advantage.
I can’t switch it on and off. I have no choice over how it presents itself. It’s a condition. I live with it every day.
Yes, there are quite a few people with bipolar in artistic and creative fields.
But there’s a reason for that too.
Art is a release, not a superpower.
The bipolaroids I’ve spoken to who pursue creative works often say they do it because it’s a byproduct. Art is an out.
At
it’s best, art is creative therapy that, for some reason, other people
seem to like. At worst it’s trash that I make to distract myself from
how hellish my illness is making me feel.
In both cases, the works produced are not worth the cost.
Think
about that next time you’re looking at Starry Night, or Blue Poles. Or
anything by Gauguin. Think about the intensity and depth of feeling
gained from the works of Poe, Twain, Plath, Whitman, Hemingway. Think
about the strength of your reaction. Then multiply it by anyone who has
ever experienced these works. Then think about placing all that emotive
energy into one human mind and see how it fractures.
Yes, these people and their works are amazing.
But they are not magical.
They are paint on canvas. Words on a page. Anyone with skill and drive can learn to do same. Thousands have.
And
while neat, these works are not worth the cost these artists payed in
their misery. They could have just as easily been made by someone who
wasn’t wracked with internal torment.
So, do not tell me that I have a sorcerous mind because of my bipolarity.
My brain isn’t blessed by destiny. My work is good because I work at it.
My work is good despite my illness, not because of it.
And I’m not going to sacrifice my wellbeing so that others can be entertained.
I’m gonna look after my damn self and keep making good work when I can.
Now get off my back.
+++++
Management
Okay so I know I talk a lot about managing depression and hypomanic states.
But it’s not as simple as that. And I think it’s my fault that some people get it wrong.
For a start, you can’t “manage” depression.
It’s not a god-damn stock portfolio.
It’s not like I’m investing heavily in “sadness” or “nihilistic statements” instead of “rainbows” and “smiling”.
Instead, I’m talking about the act of managing responses.
Taking time to deliberately examine the drivers behind actions you take. See if they factually help the situation. Getting mindful. Looking at emotions as inputs that inform responses, and not states that demand action.
That’s what “management” means here.
Also if anyone know how to invest in rainbows I’m listening.
+++++
Molasses
You ever had to wade through molasses?
Or maybe tar? Or glue?
Me neither. But know what it’s like.
A single step is an effort. Raising your hand or arm is tiring. Keeping your head up is exhausting.
Now, imagine if the molasses was on the inside.
Imagine it weighing things down. Normal automatic processes are harder. Your appetite slows. Breathing is a struggle. Smiling or looking someone in the eye is a titanic undertaking. The molasses makes everything heavier.
Now imagine the molasses in your head.
It binds to thoughts, slowing them to a standstill. Feelings get sucked under. Logic gets glued in place.
Any activity is a drain. It feels like there’s no action you can take that is going to be freeing, liberating, easy. Because even thinking is an effort. And forcing action is next to impossible.
This is depression.
You can’t fight it. Your body is too heavily bound. You can’t grin and bear it, because smiling sits heavily on your face. You can’t think your way out, because the thoughts are caught.
So, how do you get out?
By waiting.
The molasses isn’t going anywhere. But it’s also not a motive force. It weighs you down, but it is static. By struggling, by resisting, you are tiring yourself out. Forcing painful friction. This pain adds to the inertia, making you feel worse.
Be still. Be accepting.
Look at where the molasses clings. Wait for gravity to do it’s thing. Observe it as it gathers and gloops and falls to the floor.
By being patient and present, you free yourself of the painful struggle. And when it is gone, you will have an appreciation for the freedom others can take for granted.
+++++
300 Bipolaroids
I don’t know where you’re all coming from, but you’re all excellent people .
The person reading this? Yes you. YOU ARE EXCELLENT