[Naming the ups and downs of bipolar, one feel at a time]
Depressive phases are scary.
High phases that express themselves as aggression are scary.
Not knowing when your next episode will be is scary.
Feeling stable and wondering if you were just imagining it all is scary
Being unsure how to talk about your mental illness with family and friends is scary.
There’s no answer here.
I just realised that this mental illness is like really fucking
scary. Also I’m proud of you just for getting through today.
How do I muster the courage to ask someone for help. I’ve asked my parents 3 times and they denied me. Im almost positive I do have bipolar and I just want meds for it. I self medicate but I feel bad when I do it. I need to know how to get help without consequence. Thanks for taking the time to read this and maybe responding.
Hi Anon!
Okay so, it’s caveat time!
Having family support for a mental illness can be a great boon if it is available. But it’s not always on the table. And make no mistake, that sucks. I feel you.
All is not lost though. There is a way to find the courage to take action. It involves using what I call “Second-Best Programming”.
This involves using quick-but-intense thought patterns to cut away the clutter and think in one direction at once.
To do this, look at each of the following in turn:
As a real basic example, say I want to get a slice of pizza?
I could go to the one which has a long line where the pizzas are decent and the prices average there is one CUTE AF SERVER. Or I could go to the place next door where the pizzas are the same, the price is the same, the line is short, but the server there is just not my type.
With the programming above, I can see that I want pizza, and I can do that either way, but I also want to go and try to woo the cute server.
The question for me is do I feel that the wooing worth the wait?
For you, dear Anon, there is a lot to analyse.
And yeah, the idea of sitting around trying to measure feels when all you want is ANSWERS and RELIEF is just a huge kick in the pants.
But it is worth your time.
You are worth your time.
In this case, Anon, i would suggest starting with the importance of having familial support.
If your analysis shows you that a good choice of action is to ask
someone for help – family or otherwise – then you have what you need!
Courage AND logic.
Go make it happen!
Another key point here is medication.
Medications are like sharp, broad tools that deal with
teeny tiny circuits. They need professional handling. They have side
effects. You do NOT want to be on the wrong meds.
And on self medication?
If it improves the quality of your life, then it’s viable – but don’t overdo it. This includes smashing eight coffees a day while on a high phase (take it from me this is a POOR CHOICE). Or doing shots of cheap whisky in bed to pass the time of a low phase. These things mess with you in ways you don’t expect. Don’t mess with meds until you have the guidance you need to get it right!
When it comes to the crux, it’s about the quality of life.
If getting a diagnosis right now is too hard, then don’t. Leave it until you’re in a better position to do so.
In the meantime look after yourself.
You want to get help without consequences?
Educate yourself on what is good for you. Steer clear of what isn’t. That includes people, environmental
stressors, foods, exercise, and more.
Get yourself as good as you can, then take the next step.
The end is in sight.
It’s so close now.
All you have to do is sit and wait.
I don’t care if you cross it riding a white stallion.
I don’t care if you do cartwheels across it with sparklers clenched in your teeth and butt (ouch okay maybe don’t do that).
I don’t care if you cross it in a zen-like state, full of self love and compassion for those around you.
And I don’t care if you cross it limping,or crawling on all fours. Tears streaming, mad at the world for all its unfairness, and praying to any deity that’ll listen that tomorrow is better than today.
I don’t care.
Because the truth is that I just want you to cross it.
I just want you here, with me, in this new day.
I know there have been some highs and some truly shit bits.
It has been… a time.
That’s why I’m so proud of you for trying. And I’m proud of you for making it this far.
I care that you’re here.
Now.
With me.
Let’s cross it together.
At this time of year, many people feel alone.
They feel scared.
Left out.
Possibly due to circumstances outside their control.
Like mental health.
If this is you, it’s not your fault. You are strong and you’ll get through this..
If you see someone you know is struggling, and you feel okay in doing so, I urge you to tell them the same thing.
And if you are hypo, same deal.
At this time of the year, you are strong and you will get through this.
The diagnosis differs from country to country and even doctor by doctor.
Having a flavour of bipolar disorder is always a unique experience.
It doesn’t make you any more or less normal if you experience some things and not others.
And it doesn’t define you.
You are your reactions, not your experiences.
Have you ever taken a day off work and not been sick?
Have you ever flaked on plans with friends, just because?
Or have you ever faked an illness to stay home from school and done nothing super productive?
Or even nothing fun?
My friend, this is a mental health day.
A day where you need space from everything. Space to take stock of what’s happening, where you’re at. How you’re doing.
You don’t have to be in a high or low phase.
You just want context. You want to know how you’re doing. And that’s okay.
If you need a day off, do it.
And do it with integrity.
Make it a bi-monthly thing. Sit down with yourself when you know you’re doing okay and be honest. Think about how you’re doing. What works, what doesn’t. What you want to explore.
Then whatever your resolutions, put them into actions.
Some may question the idea of taking a day off when you’re not sick. But I say it’s better to be prepared. That it’s worth the cost.
And so are you.
Hi Anon!
Yeah that’s a tough one alright!
Okay, so the usual caveats:
But first, I gotta say this to you.
You are not alone.
And to everyone else out there with a mental illness.
Diagnosed or not, you are not alone.
I know how it feels to be unsupported. You may be surrounded by people who don’t get it. Who don’t understand why you work the way you work. And being understood feels impossible. Because how can anyone know what you are experiencing without crawling inside your skull?
They can’t. No one can.
But we don’t have to.
You are not alone. Because, diagnosis or not, others have been where you are and come through it.
And we’re here to help.
Support groups exist for a reason.
And making use of them is a sign of strength.
We’re on your team.
You are strong enough to know when you need a hand, and you are strong enough to reach out for it.
Anon, you have already taken this first step by reaching out to me in this blog. That shows you have what it takes. If you can do this, you can go the distance.
Now, how do I deal with being bipolar?
I focus on my sense of ownership. I don’t control my feelings 100% of the time, sure. No one does.
But I am 100% responsible for how I react.
Depression is often considered the hard bit. And it has it’s dangers. But I have more difficulty with the high phases.
With depression, it is clear that I am “unwell”. And I’m usually lethargic AF. I stay in one place and feed myself and keep clean and just wait for it to be over. If anyone asks and I don’t fee like explaining it, I say I have a migraine. Zero damage.
But if I’m hypomanic I don’t feel “sick”. I feel great! I can do anything!! LET’S GO TO INDIA!!!
And it’s this feeling great that has me ignoring the red flags in my behaviour.
So instead of stopping the energetic behaviour, I redirect it before it goes too far.
Cleaning. Writing. New creative projects. I make cool plans that might be the best plans ever, but are also totally cool if they never happen. And I make it hard to spend money on impulse purchases by freezing my bank cards in blocks of ice.
These activities help divert my energy into harmless (and sometimes productive) channels until the episode subsides. And hey, if one of the side projects goes somewhere, great!
When I’m feeling off, I avoid sugar, alcohol, and caffeine, as these can impact on quality of sleep (which matters massively for mental health). I avoid all recreational drugs as well. I mean,
I don’t take them anyway, but I feel it’s worth saying.
Otherwise, I try to be as healthy as I can. I eat good food and lots of it. I work out three times a week.
I sleep for eight hours a night.
And I get out in the sunlight for ten minutes a day, whenever possible.
This stuff is boring and uncool and sometimes I hate my choice to be this healthy. But in reality it’s not that hard a choice. The truth is this – I can binge and be lazy and feel like shit, or I can suck it up, take ownership of my health, and have a great life.
I’m not perfect. I still act out and do unhelpful things. But these choices help me manage my reactions. And I’m glad I have the circumstances that let me make them
Now, how to ask for help?
That’s also tough.
I was diagnosed as an adult, which is a bit rare these days. But I know others who approached their families for help first.
Here’s their suggestions.
If you’re in a position to request help from family, it may ease the process to perform a little creative framing.
You
say that they feel you are “ acting ‘crazy’”. It may help to own this.
You could say: “Yes, you are right. This behaviour feels out of character to me.
I am aware of it, and I understand your concern.
I would like to explore my options. Will you help me?”
Then if they are open to it, talk through your possible options. Make a point of including professional diagnosis, if that’s what you want. Or explain that you want to put mechanisms in place that limit any negative outcomes, while giving you space to regain control.
Whatever you are after, the aim is to take away their focus on you and your “behaviour” and how it makes them feel. And instead refocus their attention on solving a problem. All by giving them the opportunity to feel good by helping you.
Does this make sense?
Now I understand that not everyone is in a position where their family will respond the way they want. If you think they might? Then go for it. But if you think they won’t, rule number one comes into play.
Rule number one is “always look out for number one”.
Look after yourself first. Not in a selfish way. Not to the deliberate detriment of others. In this case, it may be a viable option to do your own research. Find strategies that work for you. Grow your understanding.
You may also choose to wait. If you feel that the support is not there, or you might make things worse for yourself, then this is a valid option. Look after yourself the best you can. And wait until you are in a position, or old enough, to get the help you need to improve your quality of life.
Regardless of what you choose, remember that you matter. And you are not alone
I hope this helps!
And if you need an outlet, suggestions, some real-talk on management strategy or whatever, you know where to find me.
Thanks Anon!
I take it that you’re involved in blogging about mental health?
If not, that’s cool. These suggestions may still apply.
As usual, the caveats are:
With that out of the way, lets think about how you got where you are, probably.
You put a lot of time and effort into making posts that you think your followers will value. And the respond in kind by trusting you enough to ask questions.
It feels good to help out. And if you’re in a good space, you have the emotional capacity and free time to help put, why not?
But you can’t pour from an empty jug.
If you’re finding you don’t have the reserves to give your followers the responses they need, let them know.
Take a break. Turn off your asks. Communicate the reasons for doing so. Tell them your action plan. Give them a (realistic) timeline.
If you think you need a week, take two weeks. Or a month. That gives you the breathing space to investigate your enthusiasm and really focus on recharging your batteries. And all without the pressure of a looming deadline.
Plus, if you feel yourself get good in the meantime, you can surprise and delight your followers by coming back early.
Does that make sense, Anon?
Please feel free to let me know how you proceed!
I’m back home after a long time away.
I had a great time, met cool people, saw some crazy shit. No complaints.
But as sometimes happens in these circumstances, plans fail, relationships end, and fears become real. The details aren’t worth your time, dear reader, as they barely matter. Suffice to say that I was left alone, broke, and uncertain about what happens next.
And when shit goes sideways, it’s common to get “the fears”.
Fear that:
These fears are made worse by the uncertainty of being bipolar.What’s valid? What’s me and what’s my disease. How will I ever start over?
This, my fellow bipolaroids, is SHIT.
This ain’t to say that these fears aren’t real or valid. Or that they’re exclusive to people with a flavour of bipolar disorder.
They are valid. They’re not exclusive.
All that happened is that for a time I lost my centre.
I stopped focusing on my quality of life. And when things went sideways, I had nothing to fall back on.
But now I do.
I have my centre and my faith in myself is being restored.
I am back.
I have faith that:
When I am depressed:
comfortable clothing is IN
also blankets
and naps
and pizza
and delicious coffee that makes your heart move
black humor that will leave you chuckling
reading YA and avoiding social media
music 24/7
When I am hypomanic:
all of the things (hiking??)
affection like you read about
I will build your confidence like it’s my business
much sex (waaaaay much)
again with the coffee
and the music
and black humour
and also really bad dancing (I hope you like karate moves?)
When I am neither up nor down:
I’m just a regular person like you
except sometimes my moods don’t match my circumstances
I am well aware of this
I research and practice healthy coping mechanisms
you are not responsible for my wellbeing
I will not ask you to be responsible for my wellbeing
If you are okay with me putting my mental health first we will have a great time
+++++