Fear VS Faith

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I’m back home after a long time away.

I had a great time, met cool people, saw some crazy shit. No complaints.

But as sometimes happens in these circumstances, plans fail, relationships end, and fears become real. The details aren’t worth your time, dear reader, as they barely matter. Suffice to say that I was left alone, broke, and uncertain about what happens next.

And when shit goes sideways, it’s common to get “the fears”.

Fear that:

  • I have never experienced real love.
  • that everything positive I have done is due to being bipolar.
  • no matter what I do I will not make a positive impact.
  • I lack the stamina to make myself who I need to be.
  • the next thing/person/action I pour myself into will just turn to shit.
  • I will never stop being hurt.

These fears are made worse by the uncertainty of being bipolar.What’s valid? What’s me and what’s my disease. How will I ever start over?

This, my fellow bipolaroids, is SHIT.

This ain’t to say that these fears aren’t real or valid. Or that they’re exclusive to people with a flavour of bipolar disorder.

They are valid. They’re not exclusive.

All that happened is that for a time I lost my centre.

I stopped focusing on my quality of life. And when things went sideways, I had nothing to fall back on.

But now I do.

I have my centre and my faith in myself is being restored.

I am back.

I have faith that:

  • love comes in many forms, none are less valid than the other.
  • my bipolarity may influence my positive experiences, but I’m still the one choosing to make them happen.
  • positive impacts come from positive moves, so every time I make a positive move, that’s job done.
  • stamina comes in waves and this has just been my psyche taking a breather. I’ll get there.
  • the next thing/person/action I pour will be worth my time, just as others have in the past.
  • I will never completely stop.

I’ve been living with two mental illnesses

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

So, I’ve been living with two mental illnesses since… Well, I don’t remember: bipolar disorder and EDNOS (I think, I am not diagnosed) and when I’m in a depressive episode, I begin to not eating, to restrict and doing exercises and following the Anorexia part. But then the maniac episode comes and I start eating, likely bingeing and eating without control, because so much anxiety is passing through my veins and all of that. And I think this is not that bad to seek help. Maybe I’m overreacting.

Hi Anon!

Thanks for writing in!

Now I hope you’re sitting down because
it’s time for THE CAVEATS! (hooray!):

  • not a doctor
  • not qualified for anything, ever
  • suggestions come from own experience
  • the quality of your life should be your
    NUMBER ONE focus

First up, I would like to
address this sentiment about not being “bad” enough to seek help.

There is no universal quantifier of how
“bad” something is before you need assistance.

No one decent will
judge you or say you are not “worth” it. And if they do, they are
fuckers who aren’t worth your time

Kick them to the curb.

Besides Anon, you’re already seeking
help. You’re asking me. A stranger on the internet. It’s clear that this is a thing that concerns
you. Now, if I see that someone is moved enough to ask for help, I say that they deserve the help.

The shape that help comes in depends
on your circumstances.

What you’re comfortable with, what you can
afford, etc. At the minimum, I would suggest reading up on healthy
coping mechanisms for the anorexia element. Maybe contacting a support group, or
reaching out to people you know and trust for support.

Now, I have limited experience with
EDNOS. So I can only make suggestions based on what I know works for
me.

When I am hypomanic, I will eat all
day. I love tastes and sensations. But I remind
myself that quality beats quantity. And I use my
greed for experience to trump my greed for volume.
The result is that I enjoy a good range of top-notch treats. And avoid binging solely on corn chips and sour cream.

Most of the time.

I also engage in
a healthy amount of exercise. I
use the extra energy from being hypo (and the nutrients from all my sampling) to hit the gym. But not for long. My hypomanic mind
usually gets bored after an hour and wants to do something else.

When I am depressed, I find food a
chore. There’s not much joy to it. And it’s hard to make myself eat. But there are two things I try to rely on in
these phases.

One is my support network. I get family
and friends to come around. We’ll watch a crappy movie. And order a pizza.

The other is my lack of emotional
capacity. In the absence of feelings, I rely on logic. The logic goes that If everything feels like work, then I should focus on work that is important. And the most important work is keeping me functional. Not trying to be happy, or trying to get better. But staying as capable as I can. So I will feed myself healthy
things. Because otherwise when the feelings come
back I will be worse off. This is not
always 100% successful. Because my depression can be sneaky and tell
me that I’m not important.

But it works well enough.

So, in summary:

  • you don’t need to be “bad” to
    get help
  • try to not beat yourself up for
    behaviours you experience during high/low phases
  • instead think about the reasoning behind the unhealthy behaviours and notice where they are flawed
  • a professional diagnosis can
    make a world of difference because it gives you labels you can use to identify and manage  these behaviours
  • research and practice healthy coping
    mechanisms that work for you
  • if you have a support network of people
    who love you, reach out as needed

Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do to help. And feel free to reach out and tell me how you’re doing!

Reasons You Should Date Me

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

When I am depressed:

  • we can catch up on all the TV shows

  • comfortable clothing is IN

  • also blankets

  • and naps

  • and pizza

  • and delicious coffee that makes your heart move

  • black humor that will leave you chuckling

  • reading YA and avoiding social media

  • music 24/7

When I am hypomanic:

  • I will make things happen

  • all of the things (hiking??)

  • affection like you read about

  • I will build your confidence like it’s my business

  • much sex (waaaaay much)

  • again with the coffee

  • and the music

  • and black humour

  • and also really bad dancing (I hope you like karate moves?)

When I am neither up nor down:

  • I’m just a regular person like you

  • except sometimes my moods don’t match my circumstances

  • I am well aware of this 

  • I research and practice healthy coping mechanisms

  • actually the black humour is just me I guess?

  • you are not responsible for my wellbeing

  • I will not ask you to be responsible for my wellbeing

  • If you are okay with me putting my mental health first we will have a great time

+++++

[shirt]

Hi I’m really scared to tell my friend about my bipolar II, but I also feel like I should….

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Hi, Anon!

First up, the usual warnings:

  • I’m not an expert at anything ever
  • especially dealing with people or relationships
  • The suggestions are from my own experiences only
  • Your quality if life is #1 in any decision you make

When I received my diagnosis, I was struck with the finality of it.

This is for life.

When I told my parents, you could hear a pin drop. And my friends. Same deal.

But nothing happened. No one flipped out. Or accused me of faking.

I was also struck with the influx of admissions. People related. They told me of their struggles with mental health. Admitted to seeking professional help. These people who I know and love and would not have known otherwise if they did not tell me. We bonded over these shared concerns.

Don’t get me wrong, there were casualties. A few people who drifted away or were dismissive.
But it’s 100% their loss. I can honestly say that I am better for their
absence.

Nowadays, I am very open with my condition. If it comes up in conversation I will talk about it. If I’m asked questions, I will answer them.

Hell, I run a blog about it!

But I’m aware that not everyone has the circumstances I had during that time.

So here’s the process I suggest for thinking it through:

  1. Think about why you want them to know.
  2. What response you want?
  3. What response you are likely to get.
  4. What will help you most, now and in the long term?

Also, some reasons I came up with for wanting to keep it quiet:

  • uncertainty over my friends’ reactions
  • fear of being demonised for having a mental illness
  • the lessening of my connection with friends
  • potential loss of friendships

Plus some positive outcomes:

  • improve my support network
  • sharing can bring people closer/promotes trust
  • removes the burden of keeping a secret
  • honesty builds bridges and opens opportunities

And finally, here’s how I reasoned things out.

Being bipolar is not “who I am” – but it sure as shit is a part of me. It will not ever go away. So if I try and keep quiet about it, that’s keeping a secret. I do not enjoy keeping secrets. And I suck at lying.

People are forgiving. If you give them the chance to understand the reason behind weird or bad behaviour, they generally appreciate it. And more often than not, they will extend me the courtesy of understanding. Not excusing, but understanding.

Say I have a close friend. But that friend starts to dislike me for an aspect of my existence that I have no control over. Would I really want that person as a friend?

What works for the long term? In the end, I reasoned that it was better to let people know the facts. Help them understand if they wanted to. And then let them reach conclusions with my direct and honest input. It’s less work in the long run.

I hope this helps you! And if you have any questions, or feel like updating me, please do!

Symptoms

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Symptoms

If you show symptoms of your mental illness, you’re not being manipulative.

You’re communicating.

And that’s okay.

If you hide symptoms of your mental illness, you are not “faking it”.

And you are not “better” or whatever. You’re getting by the best you can. And maybe you’re thinking of others and choosing to not burden them with your problems.

And that’s okay too.

The trick is to find a balance that works for you.

Your health is #1 and you need to look after yourself first. And it’s okay to find people who value this priority and your need for balance.

+++++

[shirt]

Family Matters

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ANON ASKS:

How do I explain bipolar to my little brother and other family members ?

This conversation depends on your family, and the usual caveats apply:

  • not a therapist
  • own experiences only
  • your quality of life is my number 1 concern

I’d start by explaining the heights and depths you experience.

Ask them the best they’ve felt, and the saddest. Or angriest. Or most enthusiastic. However it is that your condition affects you.

Make it relatable.

Point out how most neuro-typical people feel things as a response. A response to something happening out in the world, or a thought pattern in their head.

Then ask them to imagine feeling these things for no obvious reason.

It’s a cyclical thing, strange brain circuitry activating the feels without needing any input.

Then talk about the length and variability of these feels.

Normal brains stop pushing buttons when the input goes away. Bipolar brains can lean on the buttons till there are no chemicals left. So you feel the feel for waaay longer than normal.

And then perhaps if they can absorb all that, move on to how it might affect them.

Talk about the impact it has on your day.

And how you make changes to get by.

Talk about the fact that it’s a chronic condition.

That it will be with you always. And maybe the need for and types of management available.

Regardless of how you do it, make sure that you have an eye on the outcome that you want to achieve.

Sympathy, or maybe offers of help as a support network. Be honest about how they can help – if they can help – and make it clear that the conversation is about helping them understand.

Let’s be real here – it takes years to feel you understand it.

And even then, there’s no way of knowing if you’ve run the gamut of BP experience.

Just the other week I hit a paranoid high and that was uncomfortable. Because I’ve never had that before. And I had to figure out if it was a valid reaction to circumstances or a new symptom.

So don’t worry about getting it across to everyone 100%.

Instead, focus on making sure they’re in a position where you feel comfortable interacting with them.

That’s way more important.

I’m seeing a new therapist in two days and I want to talk to her about the possibility of me being on the bipolar spectrum. The problem is, I’m fairly young (16) and my parents think I’m just hormonal and that I’m overreacting. They don’t realize all the stuff that goes on in my head and that I do when they’re not paying attention. I’m having a lot of anxiety that I’ll either be told I’m bipolar and have to live with it forever, or be told I’m just a normal teenager and feel even more alone.

reversethebipolarities_oqhia1Leave a comment

Hi Anon!

Yes, you do have it rough. I feel your struggle.

Before we dig in, its caveat time:

  • not a professional
  • suggestions made on own experience
  • your quality of life should be your number one concern

Okay, so you’re at the age where a fair few bipolaroids start showing their first set of symptoms. These include manic or hypomanic behaviour and also depressive behaviour.

Depending on where you are in the world, and what standards your local mental health professionals follow, bipolar disorder is diagnosed when a separate high and low phase are observed. And these phases are not attributable to other causes.

I didn’t get my diagnosis until much later. It turns out I was pretty good at hiding it, and just assumed everyone went through the same deal.

So your concern over having potential mental health issues dismissed is valid. I dismissed my own for years. And your your concern about not receiving a bipolar diagnosis is also valid.

Now, good doctors will take your concerns seriously. They rely on your input to help you find out what is going on. It’s not like they can just run a diagnostic on your brain. They will want to know about how you feel, and how these feelings change your behaviour. They will not be dismissive of your concerns, because it’s their job to address these concerns.

A good doctor will look at the range of causes and weigh them up based on YOUR EXPERIENCES. Not on your parents beliefs.

A good doctor will be on your side and will help you understand what is going on. Whatever that will be.

A good doctor will include you in this process, and will give you control over the outcome.

But regardless of the outcome, you are not alone!

I am here. And there are others like me. People who have gone through (and in many cases are still going through) the process of finding out why they feel certain ways that may or may not be neurotypical.

What’s important is that you’re taking charge and investigating. Unlike me, you’re doing this much earlier than I did. And from my experience, that shows me that you are the kind of person who will be able to handle the results.Please feel free to drop me a line when you know more, or if you want to talk.

Squint Harder

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Do you wear glasses?

Or know someone who does?

Congratulations, you know someone who requires medical aid to see the world in the same way as the majority of the population!

Now, as a glasses wearer, you probably get asked what it’s like to live without them.

They want to know what it’s like.

“Can you see without these?”

“Can you get through the day without relying on them?”

And the answer is maybe? I guess? I could close one eye and squint real hard and hope I don’t walk into something or miss a detail or make a mistake.

But even if I avoid these issues, it hurts my head
and people look at me funny and

so… no? I don’t think so?

Why would I avoid this certified, professionally supplied solution that lets me get by in my own way?

And people laugh and shake their heads and say they understand and how weird it’d be to make people who need glasses to get by to not wear glasses.

So my question is this – is there a way to make it clear to the world that this is also the same with professionally supervised therapy and medication?

After all, these too change how you see the world.