Author: reversethebipolarities_oqhia1

Head vs Habit

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I think my habits are automatic feedback loops. They’re hard to beat,
because interrupting them feels uncomfortable. But letting them run
their course delivers a reward feedback.

Case in point: I’m watching tv shows on my laptop. I need sleep so I can do things like an intelligent human. What do I do? Watch more, then get on Tumblr and look at pictures of ducks.

Second case: I have an appointment in another city coming up, and need to book travel and accommodation. The day before rolls around and BAM I’m still in my room. Looking at pictures of ducks.

On the flip side, my head knows what’s best. It remembers how I feel when I do the thing, or stop doing the thing.

It just needs leverage to interrupt the habit loop.

This matters because some of my habits – late nights, heavy drinking, bad diet, lack of exercise – are self-destructive. They all contribute to increasing occurrence, severity and length of a bipolar/cyclothymic episode.And it’s not like I have a choice of going up or down.

So, how do you get your head to beat your habits?

Ripples on a lake

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There is an amazing sense of peace underwater. The silence, the feel of coolness and depth. It makes for an amazing break with the world above.

It also forms the basis of one of my favourite calming thoughts.

I’m sitting at the bottom of a lake or stream. It is cool and quiet all around me. The rest of the world is reflected as waves and ripples on the surface above. Constant movement – sometimes fast and frantic as in a storm, other times it’s smooth and tranquil as a windless day.

The fact is, I can’t control the waves. they happen outside my control. I can see the surface, feel the movement as things happen. The ripples are real. But they are also distant.

And the space between me and the waves above is as close or as far away as I wish. I can reach out and interact with them – make waves of my own – or step back and watch.

It’s always my choice.

Making Space

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Look around you. Right now, how much distance is between you and the nearest person? Could you reach out and touch them?

Okay, now how much do you know about that person? How much distance is between you as people? Can you measure the solipsistic gulf – and are you happy with that distance?

 I’m surrounded by people, but I haven’t said hello to anyone in days.

Right now the gulf is massive. There is a sense of un-worth that stops me from interacting. Like great grey walls that block all sight and muffle all sound.

There’s not much I can do. Being alone is hard. But reaching out is harder. Talking is harder.

However, there is power in this knowledge. I know from experience that this grey gulf is real. It is happening right now. But it is also as insubstantial as and fleeting as mist on a sunny day.

And the best thing is that I don’t have to do anything. The passing of time will take care of it. I just need to give myself space. Give myself permission to be alone, and soon enough I can reach out and – metaphorically – touch people once again.

Re-Landing

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I have returned home after months of travel.

It is just a short trip home, and I will leave again soon.

Yet I feel a tad disconnected, and a little uncertain about that choice. I feel more homeless than I’ve ever been. So now is the time to reconnect, to talk to friends and loved ones. Make plans, and then keep some of them.

Please rest assured, I haven’t forgotten you, dear reader. Soon I will write more. But now is the time for talks and beverages and hugs.

Go hug someone for me, will you?

Hard Reset

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I’ve been traveling for months now. No complications. I was halfway ready to believe I never had bipolar in the first place.

So when I hit the wall, I hit it hard.

I tried hiding it. I told my fellow travelers I had a “head cold” or that I hadn’t slept. And I told myself that some exercise or good food would have me back at 100% again in no time.

I lied. I am not better. Instead, I am experiencing a sobering reality check. I can’t leave the room. I can’t go to the beach. It’s all I can do to order food in – and I don’t look the delivery man in the eye.

And I think that’s one of the big problems with this condition. Sometimes I just don’t believe I have it. And then reality hits and I act surprised?!

I’m not lone I guess. I have heard stories from other bipolaroids. They might be on medication, and they stop taking it. Why? Because they felt normal. They thought they were “better” and didn’t need pills. But it’s the medication that helps them feel normal. And when it comes back, it hits hard – harder than before.

Is there some way to hit reset? To remember, every day, that I am this way, without feeling weird?

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Sparing some change

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There are times when I want to be different. When I’m dissatisfied with my life, with who I am and what I do.

It could be work, friends, or an attitude towards something. Whatever. The point is the while I feel dissatisfied with it, I may also feel like I’m unable to change. Like my depression keeps me stuck in place like tar. Depressing, sucky tar. 

But there’s one thing I’m not able to see, right there and then. I want to change.

That already makes me different from before. As soon as I realise that, as soon as if makes it’s way into my conscious mind, I am able to act.

Because then I realise the truth oft situation – I can’t control everything that happens, but I do controls my reactions. And I’m the only thing stopping me from making my situation better I just have to choose to act. 

The Waiting Game

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Bipolarity has its ups and downs, sure. But for me, the most grueling part of choosing to manage my own behaviour is the uncertainty.

Like right now, I’m kind of anxious. And I don’t know if it’s because:

  • I didn’t sleep well
  • I haven’t had my coffee
  • I’m about to enter a depressive spiral that will shrink my world to a single room and make it hard to interact with humanity at large
  • I FORGOT TO PUT THE BINS OUT

…Yeah, it was the bins.

Not A Real Doctor

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A friend is suffering through a bad bout of depression. And something hits me – I’ve never really experienced it from this side before and I’m a really shit therapist.

I’m trying to remain present, and fix what I can, but:

  • Every cool or interesting thing I show them gets shot down
  • Offers of food/drinks get criticised
  • Every conversation turns to how shit their life is

And you know what? I got resentful.

Like, how dare they demean me like that? Why can’t they see how excellent they are? And can’t they see how their baggage is bringing me down too?

NO. STOP IT.

I haven’t been able to see the water I’m swimming in. Individually, people can be nice and kind and generous and wonderful. Collectively, we’re as thick as wooden planks. Society says to focus on the me, making me better – and so I focus on it to the exclusion of other people’s plights.

Well, I call bullshit. I can see from my time with this person that it’s really, stupidly hard to help people with depression, simply by the given nature of the disease.

They can’t accept help, can’t ask for it, can’t get out of bed in the morning. I have written about all this before, and I thought I understood it thoroughly. But now I have a massive appreciation for everyone who has ever lent me an ear when I’m venting, or traveled with me to the doctors because I’m too unstable to drive.

And I can see now that there’s so much more room for me to improve. Management isn’t about having a destination – I will never be “cured” – it’s about building myself up day by day to be better. I know this – but it applies to everyone else as well. And I think I lost sight of that somewhere along the way.

So thank you, traveling partner. Thank you for showing me that I don’t have all the answers, that I could stand to be more sympathetic and understanding. And for understanding why I slipped up.

I’m not a doctor, not even at all.

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